Updates and Shit.

SHIT, it's been a minute, guys! My bad. I've been busy...what can I say? There's a lot going on. I'm now working two jobs, PLUS three kiddo's, PLUS a blog that seems to be getting a decent following. Plus..hey...I'm busy falling in love with a new city and FINALLY falling in love with life. Who'd a thunk it?! I'm EXHAUSTED....but you know what? I love it.

People that I always thought I knew? Yeah....I don't. It's kind of pathetic, but that's a different story. Kind of sad, really. I'm learning who I can depend on and who I can't, which is kind of a sad reality sort of situation. On top of the people that I already knew I could trust and depend on in Iowa/Nebraska, I've met the most amazing people here. Seriously. Honestly....I've met me here. After being on my own for a while, I feel like I never really knew myself to begin with. And maybe I didn't. I got married at 18. Started having babies at 19. That's big. Things have changed so much. I didn't know this kind of independence and happiness existed! And now...here I am, doing something people told me I'd never be able to do. I'm good with that, no matter how exhausting.

The only downside to things right now is that I'm coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my dad's death. That's a really tough pill to swallow...still. And no one really gets it. Unless you've lost your parent (your "I'm a daddy's girl/I'm a mommy's girl parent), you won't get it. The closer it gets to the one year mark, the more my heart breaks. And thank GOD, I've got understanding people around me.

More later dudes and dudettes!

A Fresh Breath of Air

Am I allowed to breathe again yet?

The last month has been speeding past at lightning speed. It's ridiculous. I never knew that so much could change in one short little month, but here I am, and it feels like this last month has been a year.

I've done a LOT of growing. A lot of stepping out of my comfort zone. And a lot of changing. Actually, I'm not sure I'd consider it changing as much as I would, "uncovering". A lot of stuff has been compressed for so long...it feels good to finally spread my wings. Even if it meant taking the scariest step of my life in order to do it.

Finally the chaos is starting to settle into a routine and now that I'm able to really catch my breath and look around, I can't help but feel like one of the luckiest girls in the world. I've made the most amazing friends with this move. And it feels go to finally let go of so many of the burns and bad memories that I've carried around for so long.

There's something to be said for love, and friendship, and healing, and peace of mind.

Sooo, here's the thing...

When my dad died, I quit school. After way too long spent on online classes, I just felt like I wasn't getting anywhere, too much was going on, I had too much to process and wrap my mind around, and frankly, I just wasn't happy with what I was doing (side note: I love italics). So, I decided to just take a breather, step back, and really spend some time thinking about what I wanted to do.

I think I've figured it out. I'm planning to make an appointment to go meet with an enrollment adviser at a nearby school next week. However...I'm not quite ready to divulge the details, so you guys will have to wait for that one. I'm really excited about it, but I'm also really nervous about it. I suck at studying, and this particular route will require a LOT of it.

On top of this new educational development, I'll also be signing up to sell body wraps this week! Exciting! And finally, I've sort of "come out" to my family about my other blog...only to have my extremely conservative sister join the blog, as well as the blog's facebook page and show her total support. I can honestly say that I didn't expect my super-conservative Republican sister to support my pro-choice blog, but there it is.

Meanwhile, baby girl is on Spring Break this week, so we're having a lazy time at home with little crafts here and there. Tomorrow will be The hubster's day off, so we'll have an outing tomorrow. Nothing like fro-yo and the park to get everyone excited (thank GOD my kids love healthy snacks).

And just for shits and giggles, I managed to take a screen shot of a picture from my dad's memorial slideshow (because a particular someone doesn't want to share the actual picture) and the result was my favorite, yet fuzzy, picture of me and my dad (that I do NOT remember taking and had never seen until the day of his service)....

Dad and Me (I was about 16 here)

Shenanigans of a Sick Boy

As a mom, I see new things all the time. But I'll tell you, Monday morning when I woke up and my 3 year old son woke up with red spots/patches all over his face and back...I panicked. He had been vomiting since about 4am (it was then 7:20am), which was kind of expected since I had been at the ER with our baby boy until 3am.

Cue emergency appointment with the pediatrician.

Of course, he had the same virus as his baby brother...as well as strep throat and an auto immune rash that was his body's way of reacting to the illness. His pediatrician told me to expect it to get worse before it gets better, but I didn't expect THIS (excuse the shady pictures):

Those would be pictures of his leg and knee, the back of his neck, his back (OMG), and his face. It is pitiful. LUCKILY, it doesn't seem to be bothering him too much. Every few hours he gets a little itchy (though I'm not having any issues with him scratching), but he's been prescribed a strong antihistamine. I hope it doesn't get any worse than this...I don't think this mama's heart can take it. It looks terrifying, and I have never even heard of an auto immune rash. Apparently they're pretty common (of course, I came straight home and consulted Dr. Google). 

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for the little man (and his mama who might got into shock if it gets any worse). 

Around 11:30pm last night, I was sitting at my computer, wading my way through a crap ton of meaningless emails when I got a new one. It was from my brother in Texas. It was the link to the slideshow that they played at my dad's service, right after my eulogy. I've been waiting on a copy of it since I saw it in December. I've already been dreading getting a copy of it, because I knew I'd have to watch it. And I knew that that would simply rub salt in the still-fresh wound. I was right. I cried the ugly cry, ya'll. It wasn't pretty...at all. However, I've watched it 2 more times since initially recieving the email last night, and I have to tell you...while it still breaks my heart (especially the photos of just his sweet face), it also serves as an amazing reminder of a lifetime of memories. So, without further adieu, here's my amazing daddy, a lifetime of his memories, compressed into a beautiful few minutes:

Good Vibes, Good Thoughts, Good Things.

Today the hubbs starts a brand new job as an assistant manager. He was really stoked. I think he's even more excited because he'll be carpooling most days with two of his friends. I think the boy-time will do him some good.

I'm especially thankful for this awesome development because for almost a year now, we've just had some plain bad luck. First things got all screwed up when he was medically discharged from the Marine Corp, then Little M had his cancer scare, then daddy died. It's just been one shit storm right after another. So, this is a very welcome development.

I think that the pay raise will lower his stress level, and working with guys he likes will make the job even more enjoyable. There's one downside. It's an hour away. So, when he gets off at 7pm and heads home...chances are, with Atlanta traffic, he won't be getting home until around 8:30pm. It will be a little more stressful on me...and I hate the idea of us spending even less time together, but I'm trying to embrace the idea that I'll have about an hour of "me time" every night. I won't even know what to do with myself...but I'll have fun trying to figure it out.

I'm hoping that this new job is the start of even more positive things coming our way. That would be something. I've got something else in the works that may start to take off later this week. I'll have to post an update on that when I'm past the point of jinxing it.

Well, that was awkward.

Yesterday I went down to my parent's mom's house. It's the first time since dad's service that I've been back down there. About a month after dad died, she moved into a different house. He hated moving, as they did it often. And it did not feel right to be there without hearing him bitch about the clutter and moving again. In fact, it was really hard. The only sign of dad that was immediately visible (which isn't saying a lot because there is crap strewn EVERYWHERE. Mom says she's been too depressed to clean, organize, or unpack) was the huge picture of his face that was on the table with his ashes at his memorial service. Everything else of his is hidden away, or still in boxes. His ashes are in a box in the guest room. Makes no sense to me, but whatever.

Within 5 minutes of being there, I could feel my blood pressure rising. I started getting irritable. I'm assuming because walking into this house, being around all their stuff, and not seeing dad watching tv or hearing him fuss was in all honesty, heart breaking for me. As sad as I feel I've been over losing him, I'm still not sure that my heart is fully grasping it. And it irritates the hell out of me that you walk into my house and there are signs of my dad everywhere. Pictures on the bookshelf and mantle, the hubbs carrying around his old pocket knives, his ashes on my key chain and in a necklace in my jewelry box, his old flannel jacket draped around the seat of my stationary bike that's right beside my bed. I feel like he's everywhere in this house. In what would be his house, I had to search for him.

The hubbs and I were talking on the way home, and I suppose that I'm going to be critical about everything about daddy now. Because nothing will ever be good enough. Not the box for his ashes, not where they're displayed (or not), not what mom chooses to do with his stuff, not the house that mom is now living in on her own...nothing. Because nothing is right without dad. The morning of his service, I frantically went through about 4 different outfits because nothing felt "right", until it dawned on me that NOTHING I picked out would feel "right"...because the idea of going to my dad's memorial service wasn't "right". Being without him wasn't "right", and neither was saying goodbye to him.

Regardless, I better get my shit together and learn to accept it. Otherwise this is going to turn into a serious issue. >.<

Coffee and Cigarettes (kind of..)

So I'm sitting here with a too-large cup of coffee (if there is such a thing), watching all three babies play around in the living room (the oldest is out of school today), and experiencing no sense of urgency to do this or do that...all with the intoxicating sound of Lana Del Rey in the background. It is obviously going to be a good day.

Over the last two weeks or so, I feel like I've been over thinking everything. Parenting, marriage, life and death, what the hell I want to do with my life...you name it. So far, I've got this:

• No marriage is perfect. Mine is not the exception. I'm perfectly fine with that. 
• As a parent, I choose to pick my battles. I'm not one of those parents that think it's going to matter, in the grand scheme of things, if my 3 year old wears his Spiderman mask into Walmart. Choosing such battles has helped saved my sanity in the chaos that is having 3 kids in a span of (almost) 5 years. And frankly, I think I'm doing a pretty awesome job at it.
• Damn, I've become a good housewife.
• I'm almost 26 years old and still have no idea what I want to do when I grow up. The problem is narrowing down the list to one logical goal.
• Really, dad?

There comes a certain calm with being able to acknowledge that your life is not perfect, never will be perfect. Maybe that's the "perfect" part of it all...knowing that perfect is abnormal. When you learn to let go of the things that you have no control over, it takes a whole level of stress of your shoulders...which helps everything else fall into place. 

Lana Del Rey and coffee doesn't hurt either. 

You're welcome. 

Breaking

The hubster has requested that he now officially be referred to as BDD in my blogs. Figure it out, people.

;)

Just keep busy, just keep busy...

Apparently this is the trick to not completely breaking down when someone dies. So, I've been cleaning like a mad woman, making elaborate dinners, and working on projects for A Thought of Her Own. I've got my big annual article coming up at the end of May there, and I'm busting my balls trying to come up with a good idea for it this year. Call me crazy, but women's rights fascinate me. The fight to keep abortion safe and legal and WHY fascinates me even more. I'm starting to build a pretty decent contact list for that blog, with new pro-choice friends all over the country. I've even got a few followers from Ireland (FYI: Ireland has some exciting things happening in the way of women's rights). Anyway, I've got a few great ideas for this annual article, but they will be hard to pull off.

Meanwhile, ZoeJane has been out of school this week for winter break and I've so enjoyed spending some extra time with her. Usually, the boys keep it so hectic...I don't get to spend a lot of one on one time with her. This week, we fixed that...and I think it did us some good. Especially when she's stayed up later than Michael and we've had some alone "girl time" before Dayton gets home. She'll go back to school on Monday and we'll be back to the normal grind.

Oh, and on a side note that I know you'll find super exciting, I've gone back to the dark side. Err....dyed my hair black again. Win.

Going on Three Months...

As much as I've tried to push it out of my mind lately, the cold fact remains that my dad is dead. That sounds cold...empty...heartless, but it's true. He's not "gone" on vacation or to the store...no, it's much more permanent and final. My dad is dead. He's never coming back.

The last couple of weeks I've done a pretty good job keeping my sad thoughts about him to a minimum, minus the few passing thoughts here and there. But in the last few nights, he's slowly been creeping back into my mind, taking over nearly every thought. I keep thinking about these two dreams that I kept having right after he died. They were so vivid and real.

In one, I was in his hospital room with him...back on the day when the doctor told me that his kidney function had decreased to 17% overnight. But this time, I stayed in the room alone with dad after the doctor and nurse left the room. And all of a sudden, he woke up. He took his oxygen off and somehow, he didn't have the vent in his mouth anymore. He was perky, wondering what I was doing there, and telling me how much better he felt. His numbers on the machine were great. His swelling went away as we were talking. I grabbed my cell phone and started calling my sister, my mom, my husband...but no one would come. No one would get excited with me. After I had called everyone, dad asked me when they were coming. I told him that they weren't, that they had told me that he was still going to die. He was confused...he didn't understand why no one would come for him. We were still talking when I woke up. But that dream shakes me to my core every time I think about it. Wherever he was...did he feel that alone? That confused and scared? Did he feel like no one cared?

The second one was even more disturbing, because in the dream, I knew that I was dreaming. Sounds insane, right? Yeah. My siblings and I were all standing outside of dad's ICU room talking, and suddenly, behind my siblings in a hallway going in a different direction, I saw dad walk by in his flannel jacket (the same one that I keep by my bed now). In the dream I thought "This dream may not last long, you've GOT to ask him your questions!", so I ran down the hall after him, yelling his name. He kept walking and just turned and called behind him "I've got to go". Finally I caught up to him, grabbed his shoulder and he stopped and turned around. His face was expressionless. He didn't even make eye contact with me. He looked beyond me. I asked if he thought that I had been ignoring him because I had missed his calls the week before he died. He said, "yes". I asked him if he heard me when I broke down in his hospital room and begged him not to leave me alone, again, "yes". I asked him if he knew how much I loved him, and again...a simple "yes". I asked him if he knew when they told him they were sedating him to put him on the vent, if he knew that he'd never wake up, he said "yes". There were no detailed answers. And I didn't have time to ask him to elaborate, or to explain myself when he said that he did think that I had been avoiding him. I just knew that I had to ask all the questions that I could manage to ask before I woke up. I told him that I loved him and that I missed him more than I ever knew I could miss anymore. He told me that he knew. I grabbed him, I hugged him, I inhaled him. And then he turned and walked away. Within a few seconds, he was gone and I was standing in that cold hospital hallway alone. THEN, I woke up.

These may seem simple, silly dreams to some...but I was in that room with him. I saw him before he was sedated, when he was struggling to catch a breath, and I saw him after, when the machine was breathing for him. I held his hands, I could feel how swollen they were. I felt him, I remembered how badly he was sweating and how helpless he looked. That is not something that can easily be shaken. And apparently, all of it has effected me a little more than I thought. I thought I was moving forward, since I've been able to function normally and have my moments here and there while keeping them in check...but I guess not.

I never knew how I would handle losing my dad, but I never EVER thought that I'd have to find out this soon.

Monday Mingle!

Welcome to the Monday Mingle!

Hosted by

Funny Postpartum Lady & Story of a Girl

 

 

This Week's Theme: LOVE

 

 

This Week's Questions:

 

 

1. Who was your first love?

 

 

Ha! Andrew Harper, sadly.

 

 

2. Do you remember your first kiss?

 

 

An even sadder occurance. Andrew Harper again. Felt like a hoover vaccuum on my face.

 

 

3. What are your plans for this Valentine's Day?

 

 

 Nothing special. Movie night with the hubster.

 

 

4. What do you love most about your Significant Other? If you're single, what quality do you look for the most?

 

 

My husband's top priority is taking care of his family. And he's really good at it. There's nothing that I can't talk to him about. Nothing that he doesn't understand. He's always there for me in every way that I need him.

 

 

5. What would be your DREAM gift for Valentine's Day?

 

 

A vacation, complete with a nanny to take care of our kids (so I could check in on them...otherwise, I'd just be calling home every 10 minutes).  Yeah, I'm THAT paranoid.

 

 

Okay, now it's your turn. Grab the button and questions and repost on your page!!! Link your post up and mingle with other bloggers!!! No rules, just meet new people!

Next week's theme: KIDS



Not Cool, Guys

My phone is gone, ya'll. Seriously. I have no friggin idea what I did with it. I had it when I went shopping on Friday. Now I have no idea where I put it. And in all honestly, I would probably lose my head if it wasn't screwed on. Seriously. Anyway, because of this development, I cannot upload the pictures that I had planned on sharing. I know. Bummer for me AND you, haha.

Meanwhile, things should get pretty interesting tonight over on A Thought of Her Own (sister site, darlings). I had the audacity to speak (er, write) my humble opinion on abortion. Which, as most of you know, is unique to say the least. I'll keep you posted on that debacle.

This week should be pretty interesting. With any luck, we'll finally get our tax return. But I'm thinking that we're not that lucky. The hubbs is off work tomorrow (because he had to work today, on his usual day off). That will make the week go by a little faster.

If my 6 year old doesn't tone down the attitude and back talk, she may not live to see her 7th birthday. >.<

Ahhhhh, good times people, good times!

Latest Happenings

• Drama unfolding with the widow. Don't ask.
• Walked into the kitchen to find that Phoenix had put the kitten in the dishwasher this morning. Thank God I walked in before he turned it on.
• Waiting on tax refunds is about as fun as waiting for a pot of water to boil. 
• I've lost more weight. Win.
• We have to find a new home for our rotti mix. Those bitches are going to kill each other (see what I did there?) That's going to be a REALLY bad day. 
• Is it wine-thirty yet?
• The girl got her report card this week...color me impressed.
• She's reading on a first grade level. Parenting win.
• I'm going to start copy writing my shit. 
• Finally received a book I've been waiting on for 2 weeks. It's a book about abortion. It's graphic, but it's definitely food for thought.
• Holy shit...my dad really is gone. 
• Michael is now very fond of Bob Seger and loves singing "Like A Rock". Parenting wins galore here, people.

So much has been going on, it's hard to keep up. I'll upload some pictures tomorrow. I've been taking tons of them. <3 div="">

Healing in Progress

Today, the little girl had her first grief group session at school. It's a weekly group that lasts for about 25 minutes each time, to help children who have lost someone close to them cope. She really gave me hell over Christmas break about going...she didn't want anything to do with it, and she certainly didn't want to talk about her papa. And that's what worried me. She walked into the room one day when I was talking to one of the boys about papa, she got angry and said "Do we have to talk about him?!" and then stormed out crying. The holding it in worries me. As much as it breaks my heart to see her upset, I know that it will do more harm than good for her to hold it in like she has been.

She finally gave in and said she'd try it out. She got in the car this afternoon and says, "The group with Ms. Clinch (her school counselor) isn't about loss, mom! It's about being angry!." While trying to explain to her that being angry is often a part of losing someone, I pointed out how angry she was about papa "leaving her" just last week. Ultimately, she said that she liked the group (and then told me that when I tell her that she can't have a snack when she asks, sometimes...it makes her angry). I'm really hoping that this will help her cope with losing him. I'm trying the best I can, but there is only so much I can do when I'm trying to deal with it myself...and as we all know, sometimes it's better for someone on the outside to try to help.

Tomorrow will mark one month since dad has been gone. It doesn't seem possible. Now that the holidays are over and everything is getting back to normal, I've had more of a chance to process what happened. It was so much to take in in such a short amount of time. It almost feels like reliving it all over again. I'd give anything to have him back, but since I can't...I'll just be grateful once I feel that I've got a good grip on it.

7 days in...

And the New Year's resolutions are coming along well. I've been a hell of a lot more productive. I've redesigned the blog. And I've lost 2 lbs (not a lot, but enough to keep me going!).

One of my resolutions was to get the house in order and more organized. Slowly, but surely, it's coming along! Even I'm impressed with how on top of things I've been.

What do you guys think of the new blog design?

Meanwhile, things will be back to "normal" tomorrow. ZoeJane starts back to school, and just in time. She has had it with her little brothers. The girl is chomping at the bit to get away from them. Poor girl. Wish me luck. This week is going to be insane.