Only a matter of hours left until we get to wipe our slates clean...

What is your New Year's Eve ritual? I've had the same one for years now. I take about an hour to myself, sit back, and reflect on the last year. Anything that hasn't been said gets written down. Anything that hasn't been mourned is cried over. Anything that hasn't gotten the laughter is deserves is laughed at. But the ritual started with one simple idea: If you can't look back over the last year and shed tears of happiness or sadness, you should consider your whole year emotionless and wasted. I've started the ritual a little early this year, as in, yesterday...and my year has definitely not been wasted.

Things to cry over:

1. Dayton re-proposing in the Fed-ex/Kinko's parking lot.

2. Dayton actually taking the time to design my new engagement ring.

3. Any of the sweet cards Dayton hasn't given me this year

4. The disconnect with my sister

5. Mine and Dayton's anniversary

6. Still not being able to move past 2009

7. The late night talks Dayton and I have had that have brought out the vulnerability in both of us.

8. The things I uncovered (especially about myself) while doing research for an abortion paper.

These are my top 8. I'm sure I'll think of more later. Stay tuned for more "Bests of 2010" lists...

A letter

I'm trying to write this letter, but every time I start to make the least bit of progress, I get frustrated and decide that I want to go in a different direction. How are you supposed to say something so important to someone you hate so much?

Don't ask, Don't tell.

I can't begin to tell you how heated this new "repeal" gets me. Okay, so it's officially okay for our gay and lesbian friends to be open with their sexuality in the military. So, it's officially okay for gays and lesbians to fight and die for our country. Okay, that's great. We're making progress. But I am the only one that thinks it's a little effed up that these people can now die for our country, and yet their partners will not be awarded the same benefits I would if Dayton died in the service? That's not right. It's okay for you to be gay. You're good enough to fight for us. But you're still not good enough to share the same rights and equalities as the rest of us. Sorry.

Please. Start legalizing gay marriage so these people can have the same benefits that the rest of us are entitled to, and I'll be proud.

I doubt very highly that he doesn't remember the answer to so many questions. I do, however, think that he says he doesn't remember in an effort to spare my feelings. I hate it. I have questions. I NEED answers. But hey, it's all in the past, right? Wrong. It's my present.

Should I?

I'm starting to wonder if I'll have ever closure over the one night stand. I'm still angry. I'm still hurt. But it's not big enough to break my marriage anymore. Weird. It's not big enough to break my marriage, just big enough to break me. I'm tired of her constantly being on my mind. I watch her facebook page, but I don't know what I'm watching for. I have only one idea as to what could give me closure. Dayton can't answer my questions because he doesn't remember much from that night. I need answers. Should I contact her? I don't want to speak to her, but I thought maybe I should send her a message on facebook. It seems like the only logical thing to do in my mind, but I'm also terrified that it will open a can of worms. I'm scared it will cause her to contact him. I'm scared her contacting him will cause them to start communicating again. He told her he couldn't talk to her anymore when we got back together, but I have such a hard time seeing him being firm with someone over something like that. He's not the type to hurt feelings or be confrontational. I'm scared he'll be uber pissed, though he doesn't really have the right to be mad. I'm scared she'll be hateful and make the cut even deeper. I'm scared of the details she might tell me. I'm scared I'll look pathetic. I'm just scared to do it. Hell, she may not even reply, and that would probably make me obsess even more. It's an impossible situation. But I don't know how else to get closure. This one night, probably just a matter of a few hours--is ruining my life. It's completely consuming me. It's on my mind, or I'm on her facebook page, I'm questioning him about it, or crying about it...it's got to stop. I've got to do SOMETHING to make it go away. Is this a way to be proactive about it? Should I contact her? Ugh. I hate hoe bags.

I can't believe the year is almost over. It seems like it has just begun. A year ago, I thought I'd be in such a different place by now. That the fact that my husband fucked another woman wouldn't bother me anymore...that I wouldn't be stalking her fb profile and asking myself "What the hell?!". But hey, I am. And at the same time, I'm not really mad at him about it anymore. I'm more mad at myself for not letting it go. The mind is a bitch.

11 days and counting...

Not that I'm counting or anything. Dayton has been working for the Toys for Tots marines this year. The last two weeks have gotten really bad. It's rare that he's home before 7:30pm, never so much as get a call or text, and TONIGHT, he gets to go "work" at an ICP concert. What am I doing? Staying home with the kids. Just like I have every single day for the last two weeks, lol. Oh, let me also add that he's working 7 days a week now. There's NEVER any time for us to do annnnnything as a family...unless we go to an event together. Which basically consists of me chasing the kids around while he stands there by a big box.

Meanwhile, it seems some long hidden family secrets have started to unravel. It's driving me crazy. Every single person in the family knows whatever it was that happened, except me. And it wouldn't really matter to me considering that whatever happened, happened while I was a baby and even before I was born....but I missed out on 2 brothers and 2 sisters in the process. And with one of those sisters now being dead, how do I ever get the chance to have that relationship? I don't.

And ahhhh, the joys of finals....NOT. At this very moment, I have 1 1/2 pages to go on one..and only about oh, I don't know, 900 WORDS on the other!! *Sigh* However, it looks like I'm passing both classes, so it's not all bad.

My baby girl is officially 4 years old. I can't tell you how much it stings every time the thought crosses my mind. Four is like the officially age of "childhood". Three is the last year of "toddler-hood"...so my baby girl is no longer a baby. She's officially a little girl. Ugh. *Tears*...And of course, my little man is now 1. He'll be 13 months tomorrow. I can't believe how fast it's flown.

Well, there are my latest updates. I'll try to start updating more regularly.