Random thoughts...

Ani DiFranco said it best in her song "Not a Pretty Girl" when she says "I am not an angry girl, but it seems like I've got everyone fooled. Every time I say something they find hard to hear, they chalk it up to my anger, never to their own fear".

That one line reminds me of a certain group's opinion of me.                                    

Boy, do I have some news to share. Unfortunately, I can't share just yet. Stay tuned! It's coming soon!

A knife in the chest

Lately it's been dawning on me that it's been almost 2 years since Dayton and I got back together. In a little over two months, it will have been 2 years since the night we split. It still feels like yesterday. Is the freshness ever going to wear off?

How is it possible that this isn't getting any attention??

In February of last year, Women's Medical Society in Philadelphia was raided. As authorities entered, they found dozens of women slumped over, moaning, and nearly comatose sitting in bloody recliners covered in blood stained blankets. There were no licensed medical personnel present, though all the patients there were drugged. They proceeded to find the lifeless and tortured bodies of 45 babies, some of which were past the point of viability. The babies had slits in the back of their necks and their spinal cords had been severed. Welcome to the Philadelphia house of horrors, also known as Dr. Kermit Gosnell's family practice/abortion clinic. In a grand jury report released last week, there was a picture of a post viability baby boy, who medical examiners estimated to be at least 32 weeks gestation. The picture was taken by a staff member on her cell phone, who after she watched the doctor kill the baby and toss him into a rubbermaid shoe box, felt she should document it because the baby was so big..something must be off. She failed to ever report the incident or turn the picture over to authorities. Another picture showed the incision made by Gosnell on another infant where the spinal cord had been severed. Other pictures revealed specimen cups (yes, the kind you typically pee in) containing severed baby feet. Gosnell claimed he kept the feet in case an issue of paternity ever presented itself. The staff never saw him do anything with the baby feet. In the pictures, you can see corroded tubes that doubled as the suction tubes used in early trimester suction abortions and breathing resuscitation tubes. Yes, this abortion equipment is designed for one time use. The exam tables were ripped. The instruments were splattered with dried blood. There was even a thick layer of dust covering the equipment...the dust was visible in the pictures. Employees claimed that Gosnell would never arrive to the clinic before 8pm or so, after his patients were either ready to deliver, or had already delivered their babies. They also said it wasn't uncommon for him to leave the office without properly disposing of the fetuses, and that the smell of the office made it evident the morning after he would fail to do so. A flea infested cat was allowed to roam the office, and defecate wherever it felt the need. Gosnell also left a pre-signed prescription pad for anyone who came in with the money to pay for their drugs of choice (he was the third leading doctor in the state to prescribe demarol). This is what led to the raid--not the countless complaints of malpractice that had been made...not the countless women who had contracted STD's from unsanitized tools, not even because of the women who left his clinic with perforated uteruses, bowels, and cervixes. They didn't even raid the place due to the woman who had lost her life at the clinic. No, they raided due to drug trafficking. The clinic staff consisted of two unlicensed doctors (in addition to Gosnell), and 7 unlicensed "medical assistants"...one of which was the 15 year old daughter to the office manager. The staff reported hearing Gosnell joke frequently about the babies as he was killing them "This baby is big enough to walk me to the bus stop", or as another child was writhing as he tried to severe the spinal cord, "Now there's a chicken with its head cut off!". So, this raid happened in February of 2010. Gosnell, along with staff members, was arrested last week. He is currently being held without bond. In his home, they found a gun and $240,000 in cash. Keep in mind, no pregnancies were terminated before the procedures began. Each of these babies was killed AFTER being born. The women were still out of it as he killed them. The staff says that for a while, he would slit the base of the skull and suction out the brains (as is procedure in the now banned "partial birth abortion", those during the PBA, this is done while the head of the child is still inside of the mother) so that it would look like the babies were killed that way, instead of being killed after they were born. The staff says this practice didn't last long.

Now, will someone please explain to me why something so outrageous is getting no media attention? It's being reported on news websites, but not spoken of on actual news broadcasts.

I usually don't go along with Operation Rescue (as they tend to be a little extreme for my taste), but they've got the whole story (as it's being reported on CNN websites) all in one place. WARNING: If you choose to view the pictures, PREPARE yourself.

http://www.operationrescue.org

As of right now, the Gosnell story is the 3rd or 4th down.

It will never fail to devastate me that my family is so dysfunctional. There are almost no close ties anywhere. My sister and one of my brothers is close. I can't tell you how much time I've spent being jealous of their relationship and wishing that I had it too. And on the other side, those siblings are close. I can't tell you how much time I've spent wishing they would accept me as one of their own. I don't remember a time when I wasn't hurt by the situation with my siblings. I don't remember a time when it didn't confuse me. It got worse about 5 years ago when some secrets come out. Can I just say that there is no use in keeping a secret...you waste all this time and energy trying to cover your tracks, but it ALWAYS comes out. ALWAYS. You can't lie about who you are. Eventually, people will see through the bullshit. Ever since those "secrets" came out, I've lost a LOT of respect for certain people. And it hurt...I felt like I had been lied to about a major player in my life FOR my entire life. It was sad to me...like that whole aspect of my life had been a lie. It was a lie. And why the hell did it take 18 years for someone to fill me in? Didn't I deserve to know the truth? I still don't know the full truth, and I don't know (in fact, I doubt) that I ever will. I suppose some questions are meant to go unanswered. But that doesn't mean I'll ever stop asking them. 


On another note, I strive to make my family different. I want my children to know who they are and where they came from. I don't want them to live their lives with a head full of questions. If they have questions, they'll get honest answers. They will be tolerant of each other, despite any differences they may have. They will love each other. They will be woven into each others' lives. It's so important for them to be close. It's so important for them to have each other, and be able to lean on each other once Dayton and I are gone. And in the meantime, they need to know who their mother and father are, as people...where we've been, how we've changed and evolved. 

For those who have been unable to find peace in this world

Depression is an illness of the worst kind. From personal experience, I can only attempt to tell you how consuming it really is. The thoughts of suicide overcome you. If it's not taken care of, it will take over. The feelings will take over. And that is when suicide happens. When the pain outweighs the strength you have to fight it. For whatever reason, depression and suicide is an ever growing trend among my generation. Maybe it's a fad (though, only God knows why someone would want to follow THAT trend). Maybe it's that parents have forgotten how to be parents. Maybe it's something else. But regardless of the reason, it's there. Since I was 14, I can count 3 acquaintances who have succeeded in ending their lives, and countless others who have attempted to. Maybe the reason this keeps happening is because there's such a disconnect. It's hard to read someone's demeanor from the other side of a computer screen or through a text message. Person to person contact is diminishing. Again, the reasons behind it don't matter. The depression is what matters-the illness. And do not be mistaken, this is an illness. It is as much of a sickness as diabetes or cystic fibrosis. It not only effects one mentally, but often physically as well. If you were showing signs of Multiple Sclerosis, would you seek out medical intervention?

In honor of those already lost, if you or someone you know is experiencing symptoms of depression, please get help or encourage help. Sometimes it's as easy as a one hour talk therapy session once a week. Other times it takes medication. Help is available to those willing to speak up. 

National Suicide Prevention Line: 1-800-273-8255

http://www.suicidehotlines.com

Depression Haven--online support:  http://depression.about.com/gi/o.htm?zi=1/XJ&zTi=1&sdn=depression&cdn=health&tm=17&f=10&su=p284.9.336.ip_p1026.9.336.ip_&tt=2&bt=1&bts=0&zu=http://www.depressionhaven.org/

You stand in front of me and smile while making everything okay for them by not saying a W.O.R.D.

It validates where I stand.

And makes me angry at who I am.

And I can't help but wonder if you'll remember my name the next time they come around.

She runs from a past of which she is afraid.

She runs into fatal arms,

inhaling all his deadly charms.

Her eyes are frozen shut.

(Her eyes are frozen shut)

There's nothing left to lift her up,

into the air, until she's there,

where she'll be loved forever.

And if you had been there, you would have broken many years ago.

But she grows and she flows,

until the glass is shattered for good.

And then she starts again...

struggling to make it through,

to where she belongs.

Soon she'll breathe again,

and purify the poison that's flowing through her veins.

And her chaos will fade to sane.

Her journey doesn't end...

So easily you fell,

for the innocence she sells.

It was worth the rest of your life.

Even worth your wife.

You'd never give her up.

Who ever knew,

how much damage the girl could do?

A marriage floating at the top,

but she doesn't care and she won't stop.

She never feels the shame.

How long can I survive?

My life can't be based on lies.

But if she's worth it in the end,

she'll be the one to win.

What human can fight the devil?

Center Stage

She runs and she cries, and she hides behind lies.

The damage is clearly done.

There's no reason to trust her,

no reason to stay.

Her world is a stage, and we're just here to play.

She'll always be the victim, and later a hero.

But she words she speaks, all lies.

And there's no reason to stop, no reason to try,

as long as she still has all eyes.

Her family is broken,

Her web is coming undone.

She doesn't seem to notice, much less seem to care,

that what she's doing is unfair.

She'll always be right, and always victorious.

She keeps going to extremes.

But her act will continue, the lies will be spilled,

No reason to stop until she's fulfilled.

Blanket me with your body.

Take my fears away.

Shower me with warm kisses.

And just before you unwrap me,

let me know that you're in love.

You start to take the journey.

Are you there yet?

No.

You tremble and ask if I'm okay.

Then you learn the length of my body.

And everything from my lips to my thighs suddenly feels forbidden.

I like the feeling...

Come again.

Can you hear my body calling?

The Ghost of Me

Last night I left a girl behind.

She cried as I walked away.

I left with her the bitter moments that made me who I am,

and the nights that reminded me to take another breath.

She carries with her an innocent heart and a flawless being.

She's one of no hurtful words or harmful thoughts,

and she doesn't know that's what will hurt her the most.

Once, I knew her well.

Not long ago, she died.

Now she's the ghost of who I used to be.

Red Lipstick

How do I fix this one?

You only have so many chances,

and all of mine are expired.

Now I'm tired of the fire,

that's raging inside of me.

My tears won't kill the flames that roar.

But then, when has crying ever helped?

It's one of the reasons I pop the pills...

The feeling, it kills.

Numb, so I can't feel,

a single thing that comes my way.

The red lipstick hasn't helped either...

Petals

The flowers are withering.

They scream aloud at me as their vibrant colors fade to brown.

They frown, they cry, they ask me why...

But I can't ease their pain.

For them, I have no answers.

They didn't know that eventually, all pretty things turn ugly.

I'm flipping through the box that made me who I am.

There's pictures of you,

trinkets from "us",

and memories I can't comprehend.

There's a few rotting pieces of the part of me (the heart of me) you broke.

The shirt in here still smells like then.

It brings back memories of you.

The gatorade's still there,

and I can't help but think of what a stupid shit I was for saving the last few drops.

The box is filled with faded dreams and a few are still barely breathing.

Part of me just can't (won't?) let go.

And if you listen really closely, you can still hear a happy giggle.

Was it me?

No. It was you.

You, before you forgot what you had.

The ghost of who I used to be, is lingering here haunting me.

She screams angry words at me.

I used to be the flawless one.

But now she says I'm nothing but a fuck doll.

Harsh words from such sweet lips.

She reminds me of the boys that once told me I had a cute mouth while implying something dirty.

Now she thinks I'm dirty.

She forgets that deep down, she always wanted to be the fuck doll.

Within days of his leaving,

my world falls apart.

It stumbles, and tumbles, so subtley to the ground.

Then it's found...

by the teasers and the pleasers and the rest of the plastic people.

They see how small they can make the pieces.

I won't open my eyes until I can touch him again.

His arms are the place where I fit in,

the most.

He doesn't boast while owning my heart.

I don't fit in with anyone.

I'm numb.

To the world,

that breaks my heart because it can.

I'm only exsisting

(just barely).

My silence aches to be broken.

I'm broken.

But he'll put me back together soon...

So I came across some of my old poetry. I'm going to post them in separate posts. You're not allowed to be mean. Constructive criticism welcome. Enjoy =)....or not.

1,002 wishes

I wish we could have gotten here without taking the route that we did. I wish I had more control over the situation. I wish you would have just said no. I wish she would have found someone else. I wish she wasn't nice. I wish her voice wasn't friendly. I wish I would have said no. I wish I could let it go. I wish I didn't need details. I wish I didn't dream about it. I wish I wasn't scared. I wish I could let it go. I wish it didn't hurt. I wish the anger would go away. I wish the obsession would stop. I wish the mental pictures weren't there. I wish you hadn't done it. I wish you weren't so scared. I wish I never went to your place. I wish I would have had more self respect.

I wish I never asked.

Update #1 on the resolutions...

Well, so far I've lost 2 lbs, been drinking lots more water and eliminated one of the main sources of drama in my life. I'd say I'm doing pretty good.

Last night Dayton wrote me a 3 pg ambien induced letter about all the questions I have. Drinking makes most people honest---ambien makes Dayton honest. It made me cry. A little of it made me feel bad for him. Some of it hurt because it was the answers I wanted...but they still stung a little. He is never as sexy to me as when he's vulnerable...and I'm hoping for him to show a little more vulnerability tonight. Everything has been so great for us for the last few weeks. It seems like we've gotten a lot closer for some reason. I think the past 18 months has shown us that we really can depend on each other, and other people matter so little when you look at the big picture.

I <3 my little family.

Another New Year's Resolution:

LET GO!!!

New Year's Resolutions

Everybody has them. Don't pretend like you don't. Even if you don't do them on a yearly basis, you still make resolutions throughout the year, am I wrong? Okay, so here goes

1. Keep grades up to A's and B's

2. Spend less time on facebook

3. Lose 30 lbs.

4. Write more

5. Maintain blog

6. Cut out negative people

7. Stand up for myself

8. Not cry on ZoeJane's first day of pre-k

9. Stop trying so hard to please other people

10. Learn new recipes

11. Start doing pilates

12. Eat healthier

13. Add more to my list of resolutions

Obviously...

It drives me crazy when people choose to ignore the obvious. DRIVES ME CRAZY. Especially when doing so shows a complete lack of self respect. That is all.