Never fail to be grateful...

Most of my close friends know that a few terms ago, I did a persuasive research paper on the topic of abortion. While doing research, I became somewhat "obsessed" with the topic. I researched the hell out of it. It wasn't until I started researching that paper that I read the term "Trisomy 18". It's a chromosomal disorder that causes all kinds of birth defects and complications. Common effects are severe mental retardation, downs syndrome, clenched fists, clubbed feet, hole in the heart and MUCH more. Most women who learn their baby has this problem (usually around the 20 week ultrasound) choose to terminate. Very few of the babies live to birth. The few that do usually die within hours (at the most). 90% of these babies won't live to their first birthday. But its much more logical to expect a T18 baby to only live a few hours, at most.

Over the last few days, I've been reading stories from the mother's of these babies. It's devastating. Though I had a few scary close calls when I was pregnant with Michael...I can't help but be immensely grateful for the mostly healthy pregnancies that I've had...and even more so for my beautiful, healthy babies. How lucky we are to have not had to experience such a tragedy as Trisomy 18, or the loss of a child before their live began.

More thinking, still no answers

Clearly, I have a problem letting go of certain things. So it's not surprise that another woman would be a real challenge. I've spent so much time thinking about the situation lately. I don't know what I want from him. I know he's sorry. I know he is. I'm not really worried it will happen again. But I can't figure out what I want...what I need to happen in order for this to go away, or at least subside. I don't want him to contact her. I don't want to contact her. Maybe I just want more of my questions answered. I honestly don't know. It's not like it can be "un-done". He can't take it back. The options are to either accept it and work through it or leave. And considering we've been back together for over a year now, it seems silly to split up over something that happened over a year ago. I just don't know what the hell it is that I need to move on. Is a partial elective lobotomy an option???

The letter

Last night I wrote "the letter". It's a long, incredibly detailed, explanation of my feelings. And for the first time in about three weeks, I didn't dream about the situation last night. I think I may be onto something...

Idea....

Clearly, I've been giving a lot of thought to what happened last year. I've decided that nothing is going to make the hurt go away completely. It was always be there. But in the meantime, I've got to get on with things. I can't grieve over this everyday for the rest of my life. I think I've decided to write a letter and get every single little hurt down on paper. Maybe I'll give it to him, maybe I'll keep it to myself. I just need to get it OUT there. I think seeing it all in black and white will help me make peace with it. It won't all be floating around in my mind anymore.

I'll keep you posted.

This is a sarcastic title =)

It's times like this that I really miss having girl friends nearby. It's times like this that I miss having the misguided illusion that I could trust certain family members. It's time like this when I hate the fact that all of my siblings are close to each other, but none care to be close to me. It's time like this when the "alone factor" really hits me.

When things are so tense, it's easy to think of them together. It's easy to imagine the details. It's a knife in the chest.

It was so easy to look past it in the beginning. Things were so different. The level of affection and reassurance was insane. It was easy to feel the remorse. NOW, I just feel humiliated...angry...heartbroken. I figured I'd be over it by now. A whole year is a long to time to be upset. But it just keeps lingering there. I've had this reoccurring dream a few times that it was all a bad dream, and then I wake up and realize that actually THAT was the bad dream...a cruel one, to say the least.

This isn't something that I wanted to be alone with.

A hard few days

I can't figure out why this still feels so fresh. I've been trying to push it to the back of my mind...but the last 4 days or so, it's been just as bad as it was when it first happened. And the lack of support really makes me wonder. I would give anything for it to just go away. I wish I could fall asleep one night and have forgotten it by morning. I wish I could go more than 3 days without having dreams about it. I try and keep those to myself. I think that's why I've been sleeping so shitty the last few weeks. It's amazing what your subconscious brings to light...what it brings to your attention. I almost had myself fooled that it didn't matter. It's almost impossible to deal with this all alone. None of my friends can relate to this. He's the only one that can, but he doesn't want to hear about it. I know he feels bad about it, though, it doesn't bother him like it used to. I think that bothers me. It still haunts me and he's able to go on like nothing ever happened. That's like adding insult to injury. He says that's his way of dealing...just forgetting. There have been a few times that he told me he never thinks about it, accept when I bring it up. Now, if I bring it up, I'm a bitch...or I'm treating him like shit....or I'm immature. How is it that an issue that's killing me is so meaningless to him? I can't let it out to anyone. I can't talk to my family about it. The only family members I'm talking to are my parents. If I talk to my mom about it, she tries to convince me to leave. My dad says to just get over it. I can't talk to him about it, and in addition to my husband, he's my best friend. I don't think any of my friends really understand. They've been cheated on, but not while they're married and pregnant. That simple fact still hurts me so much. I was PREGNANT. I was spending all my nights stressed as hell and crying myself to sleep. I'd give anything for him to understand, for him to be as understanding and loving as he was when we got back together. I'd give anything to have this taken away. It's the most alone, disgusting feeling. Even a year later, I still feel like it's because I wasn't enough...because I wasn't pretty enough, or smart enough, or independent enough, or...whatever. There's still so much that I don't understand...there are so many questions that I know will never be answered. That makes it so much harder to deal with. I feel completely alone with this. Like it's my burden to bear and no one else's. But it's weird. It's like my husband has this common bond, this connection with this other woman. Even if they don't talk anymore, it still happened. They still shared something. It's never going to go away. 50 years from now, it will still be there...lingering in existence.

I will always feel like I'm less than her. This has shaken me to my core. It sucks ass, but that's how it goes, I suppose. I made the commitment to overcome this. I would give anything to not care anymore.

No one understands this. I really am in this one alone. This is one of those days I have to keep re-reading old texts and notes.

Eh...you know....

I won't lie...my heart hurts. It was a year ago today that my husband told me he had slept with another woman. A year later, 365 days later, it still feels just as fresh as if it had happened yesterday. I still remember exactly what was said. I appreciate that he was honest, though sometimes I think it would have been better for my emotions for him to have lied. One year doesn't make the hurt go away. Everybody says "time heals all"...well, apparently it takes more than a year. I try SO hard not to hold it against him. I try to let it go and push it to the back of my mind. It just lingers. SHE lingers. I saw actual photo's of her last week. It killed me. I had this specific picture of her in my head. I had already made my mind up about her...but she's nothing like I thought. She looks happy, friendly. From her photos, I can tell she's independent, three kids, her own house (NICE house...which my husband has been in). It breaks my heart just a bit. When he decided he wanted me back, I was just as independent. I had my own place. I was at the top of the world. Now, of course, I'm back to being the housewife. Of course, this was a decision we made together. He ASKED me to quit my job so we could move back to north Ga. I did, and I'm back to being a stay at home mom. Of course, I love being with my kids all day. I love them so much...but I miss having a life outside of "him". I miss being able to contribute financially. I miss knowing that I could make it on my own, without him. I miss the independence. (Side note, I'm watching "PS, I Love You" and I love Irish music...) My heart still hurts like it happened yesterday. A whole YEAR later...why doesn't it hurt any less?? When I decided to take him back, I was fully aware that he had been with another woman. Of course, when he decided he wanted me back he was MUCH more romantic. We had conversations that lasted for HOURS at night. It was fantastic..just like we were when we first started dating. I guess I thought it would stay like that, therefore making it SO easy to "get over it". He's since gotten less understanding. I can't say that I blame him. Even I thought I'd be passed it by now. Of course, I did think he'd still seem "sorry". The only downside this woman has is that she has 3 kids by 3 different dads. Is that enough to make me better? No. Of course, that is the reason I planned on getting my tubes tied after Michael was born (before we got back together). I didn't want to have multiple kids from multiple dads. That's how my family was, it just complicates things.

Anybody who knows Dayton and my whole history knows how rocky it's been. If you KNOW us, you know how hard we've worked to make our marriage work. You know how much we've been through. But you also know how we connect, how much we love each other and why. It's complicated....but I don't think either of us can see ourselves with somebody else. Our's is a complicated love story, but an honest to God actual love story. There have been so many times that we've almost split up...but we've always worked through it, knowing how much we actually love each other...how much we actually connect.

I think that's why it hurts so much...because we both know we're the only ones for each other. Anybody who REALLY knows us, knows that happened during the separation, how much it hurt both of us....and how happy we were to finally be back together. I thought I hated him. He thought he hated me...but we finally saw the light. We finally saw that we couldn't make it with anybody else. So why does it still hurt so much? Why do I care that he had ONE drunken night with ONE slutty girl? I can't answer that. Other than, she seems like someone I could make friends with...she doesn't seem like the total "bar-whore" that I envisioned her to be. And I know that she's the independent person that I want to be...and I wonder if my husband misses that kind of woman. I don't know. I honestly don't. I can't say that I honestly think he'd go back to her and cheat or anything. It just hurts knowing that this woman shared something with my husband that WE do...and that I've ONLY done with him. Yeah, he's seriously the only person I've ever slept with.

Okay. I'm going to bed. I'm drunk, I'm tired, and my heart HURTS. I'm ready for this day to be over. Ironically, it two days, we will have been "back together" for a whole year. Cheers to us. Regardless of what everybody thinks, it is possible for a marriage to work after it's been through "the other woman"....or "the other man" for that matter. I love my husband. I know in my heart that he loves me...even if he has a hard time showing it sometimes.

Every relationship is different. Every marriage is different. I hope you don't judge your's on the "ideal" relationship. Remember, all of them are different. All of them work in different ways and for different reasons.

I love my husband, regardless of the hurt I may feel.

I, myself, am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.

I just can't bring myself to apologize. It constantly stays on my mind, but not matter how many times I go over it in my head, I just don't see that I've done anything wrong. I'm holding my ground this time. The fact is, it shouldn't be this big of a deal anyway. And the fact that it is, just makes me feel like these are really negative people that do nothing but create drama...and I just don't need, nor do I want, any of that in my life. I can't change whether or not they have a problem with me. That's on them. But it really is a shame to miss out on siblings because you think you're better than they are.

On another note, while I'm feeling much better and dealing with everything much better than I was, I just can't shake all the questions I have about what happened. I've started having nightmares about it again, and that's never a good thing. I keep wondering if the thoughts will ever go away. It's like the mental images are seared into my mind. I keep asking myself if I'm even allowed to still be upset and hurt by it. A few weeks ago, I made the conscious decision to put this shit behind me. Unfortunately, it's creeping back into my thoughts. I suppose there's really nothing I can do about that.

And the madness finally ends...

So, my mind is clear and calm again...and I'm back at where I was before the depression set in. I can't quit thinking about what happened last year. I'm not depressed about it, but it does make me sad. I've still got a lot of questions that I know will never be answered, and that's frustrating.

This last weekend was the best one we've had in such a long time. A road trip, friends, the beach....it was fantastic. It was one of those times that makes me feel really confident that I've made good choices over the last year. But regardless of how good things are right now, my heart still hurts. I wonder sometimes if a year is too long for my heart to hurt over a 3 month separation. Then I think, it's the details that hurt the worst...not the separation.

I also keep reminding myself that if I could wrap my head around the idea of forgiveness, this would be much easier. That's a concept I'd like to instill in my own children, but how do I do that when instead of forgiveness, I had the ability to hold a grudge hammered into my skull? Part of me feels like it's naive to forgive something so huge. The other part of me keeps thinking, the forgiveness is for MY peace of mind.

Regardless of everything that's on my mind...I feel good. I'm sad, but it's a kind of sad that I can handle. It's hard to explain. If I figure it out, I'll let you know.