Sometimes I wonder what the hell I was thinking. That is all.

An overnight trip that felt like 6 days

So, once again, we have made the round trip from our house, 3 hours south to Dayton's mom's house for ZoeJane to compete in one last horse show before Dayton's surgery on Thursday, and then third trimester which will be in full force by the time he recovers. As always, she loved being around her grandma and the horses. She loved riding her new pony, Bella. This time though, I think I may have benefited from the trip. I was actually kind of dreading it, because I felt like I was still recovering from last weekend's trip, but of course I went because it's so important to ZoeJane. Last night, Dayton's mom and I got to talking and it was nice to have an adult conversation with someone who understood what I was talking about. Don't get me wrong...my mother in law and I have had some serious issues over the last 6 years that Dayton and I have been together, but we seemed to have moved past them for the sake of ZoeJane, Michael, and new baby...as well as this man that we both love so much--Dayton. We talked about the pregnancy, my nerves, the drama going on in my family, my worries attached to the drama...and she understood. She also talked about some of the issues we've had and took some responsibility for it, which shocked me. Anyway...it was nice to get some things off my chest.

Meanwhile, my iPad completely evaporated while we were there. I left it on the back of the couch when I went to bed last night...this morning, *poof*! We think ZoeJane may have taken it to use the coloring app that she loves so much and was too scared she'd get in trouble to tell us where she put it. But who knows. Dayton's parents said they'd turn the house upside down if they had to, I just hope that works. It's my only source of unwinding. I take it into a hot bath and read my kindle books on it, combine it with Dayton's android for on-the-road internet access, and basically love it to pieces. Its my guilty pleasure.

We also stopped by my sister's house to visit baby Benjamin again and check on my sister. ZoeJane hasn't seem the baby yet, as kids weren't allowed into the maternity ward unless they were the new baby's siblings. Michael liked him until I held him. That didn't go over too well. Makes me a little nervous about how he'll react to a new baby that lives with us, lol. My sister seems so miserable...worn out and just barely managing to stay awake. I feel bad for her. It's normal, after delivery...but she got a double whammy this time as she decided to have her tubes tied before they stitched up her c-section incision. Regardless, I was glad I got to see for myself that she's okay (okay, and holding baby Benji (haha, Memory!) wasn't so tortourous either.

The weather is awful. It started about 2pm, while we were still down south. By the time we made it to Macon (midway for us), there were tornado warnings all around us. I'm not too keen on severe weather, though I like a good thunderstorm here and there. We just got home (at 10pm) and now there are tornado watches here until 4am....hail is falling in counties all around us, and we're getting monsoon like rain. Yaaaaay. At least it will make for some good sleep tonight...let's just hope Michael agrees.

If you really know me, you know how dysfunctional my family is. You know that my siblings and I aren't close. You know the relationship I have with my parents. At this point (whether it be pregnancy hormones, lack of anxiety meds, or whatever), its so hard to be around other people's families. It feels like a constant reminder of what is lacking in my family life (meaning my "original" family, not Dayton and the kids). It's sad, and it gives me the weirdest feeling. Almost like I'm betraying some part of my former self, though I know there would have to be a good relationship or foundation in that part of my life to be able to betray it, and also that if it was how it should be, I would never be made to feel like I'm betraying anyone or anything by simply dividing my time (as most normal people do in life).

I don't know if I'll ever be able to un-wire the guilt that's been hardwired into me my whole life. I remember being 7 years old and being sick over getting in trouble. Isn't a 7 year old supposed to be able to get in trouble and then go on their merry little way? It's almost as if guilt was taught as the appropriate response to anything done wrong....or not done wrong for that matter.

Whatever this issue is, I'm not a fan.

The Mommy-hood

My biggest fear is failing as a mother or having a failed marriage. I also feel that if I fail at my marriage, I have in a way, failed my children. Our children learn how to love and how a marriage is supposed to work from watching us. This is something that I try to be very mindful of at all times. My main goal as a mother, is to make sure my children never feel like they are less, that they have failed me, or that their goals and dreams are not up to my standards. I want my children to feel that they are the brightest stars in my sky. I never want them to be scared to talk to me, about anything. I want them to know they can talk to me about anything without worrying what I will think of them. I want them to want to come to me, not fear it. I want them to know they can depend on me, not wonder. I want to be their friend, but I can accept them hating me at times. I know that there will be times that they despise me, but that means I'm doing my job, right?

I figured that 8 weeks out from the meds, I'd be in the "all clear". I was wrong. I'm in such a rut. I've got so much on my mind I can hardly stand it. My nerves are shot. All the things I need to talk about-I can't. And that just makes me feel 10x's more alone. This word is becoming all too frequent in my vocabulary...

A night alone with the husband, a night at Gramma's for the kids...

...And I'm a nervous wreck. Most moms would be ecstatic to be able to have a night alone with her husband...I'm just wondering how I'm going to manage to sleep tomorrow night. An hour and a half away seems like a whole continent away if something goes wrong. I feel like I'm going to throw up just thinking about it. I asked Dayton to arrange for the "hand over" to be tomorrow evening...what does he do? Arranges to do it at 1:30 or 2. That does not make for a happy wife..at all. My nerves are shot anyway, without worrying about the kids being gone....but hey, what's one more thing to add onto it? Ugh.

I'll be so glad when all these hormones calm down and I can wake up for once without a knot in my stomach or a tight chest. Anxiety is a bitch. Between my hormones and stress and Dayton's stress concerning his surgery and his job, we're ready to bite each other's heads off.

Meanwhile, we're also going to meet new baby Benjamin tomorrow <3. The idea of my sister with two kids is so bizarre to me. I always assumed they'd only have one. My mom is being her typical jealous self and causing stress for everyone because she's not going to be in the center of what's going on. She's been giving my sister constant shit, just like she did with me during my first pregnancy (I'm sorry, but I don't feel the need for an audience as I'm giving birth. And God forbid I have the audacity to want to spend the first 10 days after the baby is born alone with my husband and new baby). Omagoodness. Just thinking about it is stressful. I'm really hoping that she's finally taken the hint (she had to call and guilt my sister AGAIN yesterday about it), and will act decent to everyone else that's around tomorrow at the hospital. The last thing my sister needs is high blood pressure due to stress before she goes in for a c-section. That worries me. My sister tries to play it off like she's the toughest cookie in the box, but I know how stressful these situations with my mom can be, and I know she's worried about what's going to happen.

On a completely random note, PLEASE God, let Michael sleep for a while tonight on his own. I can't handle having him in bed all night again. I.AM.FRIED.

Gender prediction and other items of interest.

So I finally broke down and bought the Intelligender gender prediction test. I probably wasted $30, but since this is our last baby, I figure we could do something for shits and giggles. I'm pretty sure the result was "girl", but I sent the company a picture of it just to be sure. I'm starting to get excited. I guess after the initial shock wears off and you accept the fact that there's nothing you can do about shitty timing...all that's left to do is be excited. Besides, I keep telling myself, if this little bean wanted to be here bad enough to work through birth control, it must be meant to be. <3

Meanwhile, my mom just got in from Kansas today. She was in Wichita and I asked her to go by George Tiller's old clinic and get a few pictures for me. For some reason, the idea of visiting that old building pulls at my heart strings. As much as I agree with the work that they did, the idea that so many sad women went there to say goodbye to their babies breaks my heart. Anyway, she went. The building has been torn down. The family had it for sale for $750,000 and someone actually bought it and tore it down. Also, someone took a bucket of red paint and splattered it all over the privacy fence to imitate blood. Close minded bastards. I hope they're never in the position to have to choose for a suffering child. As much of a hardcore pro-lifer that I used to be, I don't see why people are so opposed to opening their minds long enough to hear the other side.

I am Dr Tiller

I came across this website tonight. It's a sort of memorial, tribute type deal to George Tiller. It's all these testimonials of people who are striving to support the cause. One girl describes the scene of finding her friend draped over her bed with blood and vomit all over her. The girl's father had been raping her, and though she tried to press charges, she couldn't prove it. She ended up pregnant, and since her state required a parent's consent before a certain age, she couldn't get an abortion without a "bypass" from a judge. She applied for the bypass, but was rejected as she wasn't able to prove her abuse accusation in the first place. So she decided to kill herself instead....and politicians are trying to make abortion illegal. Sure. That makes sense. Now, in the year 2011, we can digress back to abortions via coat hanger and now, teenage suicide. Fantastic.

http://www.iamdrtiller.com

If words were enough...

I could be hateful to you, for the simple fact that you slept with my husband. I could break you down and tell you what a whore you are, what a bad mother you are for bringing a strange man into the same home you share with a young daughter or for not being able to control your own son. I could even touch on the fact that you seem to be good for nothing more at life than being the high school slut or that you’re so desperate for a man’s attention, that you’re willing to scout out the local watering hole and pick up the first young, drunk guy you see. I could, but I won’t.

I could be pitiful and go on about how much damage you’ve done by sleeping with my husband. I could add to that by telling you that you caused all of that damage while I was carrying his child. I could tell you how many tears I’ve cried over you sleeping with him. I could tell you how many times I’ve cried myself to sleep, while he has no idea anything is even wrong. I could tell you how heartbroken I still am. I could even tell you about the damage you’ve caused me to bring upon myself. But I won’t.

I could show you my crazy side and give you all the details that I know about you. I could tell you that in the 18 months since you’ve slept with him, I’ve learned where you live, where you work, your phone number, what kind of car you drive, the names and ages of your children, that your oldest son doesn’t live with you, and all of the “relationships” you’ve been involved with, but I’ll pass on that too.

I could even tell you all the ways that you’ve damaged my marriage. I could tell you that sometimes, I flinch when he touches me because the sheer thought of him having a drunken night with you makes me cringe. I could tell you that every time he kisses me, I wonder if he kissed you the same way. I could mention that there’s no more feeling of intimacy between us, because for me, you’ll always be an elephant in the room. But why would I bother?

The worst thing I could do is be honest, and tell you all of this. I could tell you that my heart is still broken, and that by spending the few hours you did with him, you’ve broken so many of the hopes that I had for my family. I’ll never be able to tell my children when they ask, that we had a committed marriage. When we’re old, I won’t be able to look back on our marriage and think of how well we did it. I won’t have the peace of mind to know that when it’s all over and done with that he never had another woman. I’ll never be able to have an intimate night with my husband, without you and that night crossing my mind. I’ll never be able to stand naked in front of my husband without wondering if he thought you looked better. I’ll never be able to have sex with him and wonder if he’s thinking that you did it better. I’ll never be able to be vulnerable with him in those ways, because I’ll always be thinking that he liked his night with you better. I’ll never be able to look over at him and think of our little love story, without remembering that he had to fuck you to get to this point. You are always going to be the third party in our marriage. I could also tell you how sorry I feel for you…that you would think so poorly of yourself, that you would be willing to go out to a bar and fuck the first man you see. I can’t imagine what could have made you think so little of yourself. But honestly, it’s more of a pitty thing. I can’t say that I have any sympathy for you or the destruction that you’ve brought upon yourself and your life. And considering that you’re in the medical field, I have to assume it’s just a matter of stupidity that you’re out whoring yourself around the way that you do.  I don’t know how you’ve managed to pin down a guy as long as you’ve had your current boyfriend around. And I don’t know how someone like you could manage to get (and hold onto) someone who is so clearly affectionate with you and treats you so well. But I do believe in karma, and if that belief is right, this is going to bite your ass more than you ever dreamed possible. Because in the few hours that it took you to meet and fuck my husband, you destroyed me, my marriage, and so many of the hopes I had for my family.