What a year!

So, I've been without a computer for a few weeks now, due to a busted screen on mine, and a broken charging port on my Dayton's. I've had the iPad, but blogging on it is just not the same. It feels good to be back. Thank God for tax refunds, eh?

So, a lot has been going on in the last few weeks and I've had time to do a lot of thinking about a lot of things. Soul searching, so to speak. 2011 was overwhelming. It started out with a bang, and ended with one as well. I've always said that if you can sit down on New Year's Eve, rethink your year and not shed a single tear over any of it, whether it be happiness or sadness, you should consider your entire year wasted. This New Year's Eve, I was wrapped up tight in my husband's arms without a care to give the past year a single thought. I spent all night wrapped up in my happy marriage. Well, in the last couple of weeks, I've thought about it a lot. I've cried about it a lot. I guess my year wasn't wasted.

On January 26th of 2011, we found out that Phoenix was on his way. I was terrified. Dayton was nervous, but happy. We wanted a third baby, but not for two more years. I guess God knows when the timing is right, and Phoenix just REALLY wanted to be here (he's a birth control baby). So right off the bat, the year was...overwhelming, in a way. Of course, the idea finally sank in, and I was ecstatic. We both were.

 In April, Dayton made sure I had a great birthday. It was the simplest celebration, but it meant so much to me. It's probably been my favorite since we've been together.

In July, we had to make a trip down to Jacksonville for Dayton's medical discharge physical. While we were there, we decided to make our first little family vacation out of it. It was amazing. Again, simple...but amazing. Michael came off the paci while we were there. We took the kids to the Jacksonville Zoo (which I have to admit, is MUCH better than Atlanta's). And Dayton took us to meet his Aunt Toni. She was so warm and so welcoming and we all just fell in love with her. She took us to St. Augustine and it was beautiful. This was one of the few times in the last 5 years or so that Dayton wasn't in miserable pain, and it was great to be able to walk around the town with him and play in the waves. Being 7 months pregnant, of course I was exhausted. But it was so worth it. We bought Phoenix's first outfits on that trip, at a Carter's in an outlet mall. In fact, we bought the outfit that ended up being the first one he wore (besides the hospital issued snap-shirts). It was a baby blue onesie with "Mommy's Little Man" on it, and it had white pants with little brown elephants. Even though he's been too big for it for a couple of months now, I can't bring myself to part with it.

In August, we got the scariest news of our lives when they told us that at 35 weeks pregnant, Phoenix's head was measuring at 38 weeks and his little chest at only 32 weeks. We were sent to a maternal fetal specialist within a couple of days (we got the news on a Thursday, the appointment was the following Monday). Ironically, we had been sent to the same specialist for almost the exact same problem with ZoeJane, but with her being my first...I didn't know that it was typical, and it turned out to be nothing right off the bat. He was amazing. I will never forget how Dr. Potter treated us, and addressed my concerns. He is an older man who has been in the business for well over 30 years now, and while you'd expect such experience to come along with a God complex, he is the exact opposite: humble, funny, comforting, and honest. With every trip to the specialist (which was weekly), we were told that his little brain ventricles were getting bigger. They diagnosed him with ventriculomegaly and told us that he would need a shunt after he was born. About two years ago, I did a research paper on terminations for medical reasons and I knew how serious this could be. Ventriculomegaly is what happens before ventricles grow into the "hydrocephaly" stage, which can be devastating. Kids can die from hydrocephaly and I knew it was a condition that many mothers have terminated for. I was so scared for our baby. Dayton, of course, was amazingly supportive of me and when I was put on strict bed rest, he jumped right in and took over mommy AND daddy duties, along with his typical work schedule. Finally, at our 3rd or 4th appointment, Dr. Potter was more serious than usual, and told me that my amniotic fluid had gotten very low and that we needed to go to Children's for a fetal MRI. This was probably the most scared I had ever been in my life, and I looking back, I was almost CONSTANTLY praying to God to keep our baby safe, while also having pep-talks with Phoenix about being strong. We got the MRI results back, and surprisingly, his ventricles were beautiful. The ultrasounds had been picking up shadows. SHADOWS. Can you imagine how relieved/annoyed/overwhelmed I felt? I was still scared. I was scared that maybe the good news was too good to be true and once he was born, we'd be faced with something scary. Every.single.contraction made me worry.

Of course, in September, the false alarms (and eventually the real labor) occurred. My first trip to labor and delivery was on September 11th. A Sunday. Dayton had to run into work, so he took the kids and dropped me off to get checked out. While I was there, I was dilated to 1.5 cm. I was loving listening to his little heart, then his heart rate starting dropping. It went from a healthy 160 bpm to a scary 64 bpm. The nurse rushed in, they had me move around, and it went back up. This happened a few times and I ended up staying for hours. The little booger was apparently turning over on his cord and pressing it down. Eventually, I was discharged with some pain killers. Dayton had gotten so freaked out when I was in, he called his mom. She was great. Rushed right down to stay with me while he was working and to be on "baby watch". The next day, she left, and about an hour later, we had to call his sister to come stay with the kids. The contractions were unbearable and I had to go back. We waited for hours. No change in dilation. His heart rate stayed up this time. They gave me a shot in the butt and sent me on my way. It was good stuff. I slept amazingly that night. FINALLY, on September 25th, I sprung a leak and he was on his way =) Thank goodness Dayton bugged me into going to get checked out. I wouldn't have gone if he hadn't bugged me so much. Our lives changed forever at 4:52am on Monday, September 26th when Phoenix Kole made his way into the world. I could NOT have asked for a better labor experience. My midwife was amazing. Dayton was even better. Welcoming our actual "baby" into the world was a fantastic bonding experience for us. I couldn't have asked for anything better.

Things were decent until the holidays started. Holiday stress. Then "the incident" on 12/1. It's been a whirlwind since then. But luckily, I made a great friend in the process and I feel lucky to have that. There are a lot of changes that I want to make this year. In a matter of weeks (we're talking about 3), Dayton will be out of the Marine Corp and our lives will be caught up in another round of chaos. I think we'll survive. No doubt it will be a tough transition. Military life is all our marriage has known, and it will definitely be different. I'm just trying to keep sight of myself in the process.

Beyonce's "hospital takeover"

Okay, I'll admit, in certain situations, yes...celebrities should be able to have special accommodations, as we the public tend to be nosy as hell. However, when it comes to an uber-celeb RENTING OUT a whole labor and delivery floor to the point of preventing other family's support people and visitors from being able to access the floor, I want to throw up. If you are so concerned about keeping your birthing experience private, and you have as much money as you do, how about renting a doctor and medical equipment and planning a home birth? Duh. I've never been much of a fan of Beyonce Knowles. I'm just not into her style. But at the 2009 VMA's where she gave her allotted acceptance speech time to Taylor Swift (as Kanye West had so rudely stolen it from Taylor in an effort to draw attention to Beyonce), I thought, "Hey, she's a pretty classy lady". But this? Oh no.  As a mother, I would be livid if I was told that my new addition and I would not be able to have visitors (dad included) because a celebrity was trying to maintain her privacy. How can I put this nicely? Eff that shit!

Read this and then let's hear your thoughts.

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/manhattan/dad_stopped_from_seeing_premature_O9b4QvPU1BVqNheQ8o6ieI

Do you think it's justified? Do you think celebrities deserve such a level of privacy that it interferes with the rest of us?

2011 ended beautifully. BEAUTIFULLY. 2012 has started out horribly. I have never felt more alone, more shut down, more unimportant, or more regretful. One of my New Year's resolutions is to take better care of myself. But I don't see how it's possible in this situation. There has to be a mutual level of support...a mutual level of understanding.

I'm at a loss.