Shenanigans of a Sick Boy

As a mom, I see new things all the time. But I'll tell you, Monday morning when I woke up and my 3 year old son woke up with red spots/patches all over his face and back...I panicked. He had been vomiting since about 4am (it was then 7:20am), which was kind of expected since I had been at the ER with our baby boy until 3am.

Cue emergency appointment with the pediatrician.

Of course, he had the same virus as his baby brother...as well as strep throat and an auto immune rash that was his body's way of reacting to the illness. His pediatrician told me to expect it to get worse before it gets better, but I didn't expect THIS (excuse the shady pictures):

Those would be pictures of his leg and knee, the back of his neck, his back (OMG), and his face. It is pitiful. LUCKILY, it doesn't seem to be bothering him too much. Every few hours he gets a little itchy (though I'm not having any issues with him scratching), but he's been prescribed a strong antihistamine. I hope it doesn't get any worse than this...I don't think this mama's heart can take it. It looks terrifying, and I have never even heard of an auto immune rash. Apparently they're pretty common (of course, I came straight home and consulted Dr. Google). 

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for the little man (and his mama who might got into shock if it gets any worse). 

Around 11:30pm last night, I was sitting at my computer, wading my way through a crap ton of meaningless emails when I got a new one. It was from my brother in Texas. It was the link to the slideshow that they played at my dad's service, right after my eulogy. I've been waiting on a copy of it since I saw it in December. I've already been dreading getting a copy of it, because I knew I'd have to watch it. And I knew that that would simply rub salt in the still-fresh wound. I was right. I cried the ugly cry, ya'll. It wasn't pretty...at all. However, I've watched it 2 more times since initially recieving the email last night, and I have to tell you...while it still breaks my heart (especially the photos of just his sweet face), it also serves as an amazing reminder of a lifetime of memories. So, without further adieu, here's my amazing daddy, a lifetime of his memories, compressed into a beautiful few minutes:

Good Vibes, Good Thoughts, Good Things.

Today the hubbs starts a brand new job as an assistant manager. He was really stoked. I think he's even more excited because he'll be carpooling most days with two of his friends. I think the boy-time will do him some good.

I'm especially thankful for this awesome development because for almost a year now, we've just had some plain bad luck. First things got all screwed up when he was medically discharged from the Marine Corp, then Little M had his cancer scare, then daddy died. It's just been one shit storm right after another. So, this is a very welcome development.

I think that the pay raise will lower his stress level, and working with guys he likes will make the job even more enjoyable. There's one downside. It's an hour away. So, when he gets off at 7pm and heads home...chances are, with Atlanta traffic, he won't be getting home until around 8:30pm. It will be a little more stressful on me...and I hate the idea of us spending even less time together, but I'm trying to embrace the idea that I'll have about an hour of "me time" every night. I won't even know what to do with myself...but I'll have fun trying to figure it out.

I'm hoping that this new job is the start of even more positive things coming our way. That would be something. I've got something else in the works that may start to take off later this week. I'll have to post an update on that when I'm past the point of jinxing it.

Well, that was awkward.

Yesterday I went down to my parent's mom's house. It's the first time since dad's service that I've been back down there. About a month after dad died, she moved into a different house. He hated moving, as they did it often. And it did not feel right to be there without hearing him bitch about the clutter and moving again. In fact, it was really hard. The only sign of dad that was immediately visible (which isn't saying a lot because there is crap strewn EVERYWHERE. Mom says she's been too depressed to clean, organize, or unpack) was the huge picture of his face that was on the table with his ashes at his memorial service. Everything else of his is hidden away, or still in boxes. His ashes are in a box in the guest room. Makes no sense to me, but whatever.

Within 5 minutes of being there, I could feel my blood pressure rising. I started getting irritable. I'm assuming because walking into this house, being around all their stuff, and not seeing dad watching tv or hearing him fuss was in all honesty, heart breaking for me. As sad as I feel I've been over losing him, I'm still not sure that my heart is fully grasping it. And it irritates the hell out of me that you walk into my house and there are signs of my dad everywhere. Pictures on the bookshelf and mantle, the hubbs carrying around his old pocket knives, his ashes on my key chain and in a necklace in my jewelry box, his old flannel jacket draped around the seat of my stationary bike that's right beside my bed. I feel like he's everywhere in this house. In what would be his house, I had to search for him.

The hubbs and I were talking on the way home, and I suppose that I'm going to be critical about everything about daddy now. Because nothing will ever be good enough. Not the box for his ashes, not where they're displayed (or not), not what mom chooses to do with his stuff, not the house that mom is now living in on her own...nothing. Because nothing is right without dad. The morning of his service, I frantically went through about 4 different outfits because nothing felt "right", until it dawned on me that NOTHING I picked out would feel "right"...because the idea of going to my dad's memorial service wasn't "right". Being without him wasn't "right", and neither was saying goodbye to him.

Regardless, I better get my shit together and learn to accept it. Otherwise this is going to turn into a serious issue. >.<

Coffee and Cigarettes (kind of..)

So I'm sitting here with a too-large cup of coffee (if there is such a thing), watching all three babies play around in the living room (the oldest is out of school today), and experiencing no sense of urgency to do this or do that...all with the intoxicating sound of Lana Del Rey in the background. It is obviously going to be a good day.

Over the last two weeks or so, I feel like I've been over thinking everything. Parenting, marriage, life and death, what the hell I want to do with my life...you name it. So far, I've got this:

• No marriage is perfect. Mine is not the exception. I'm perfectly fine with that. 
• As a parent, I choose to pick my battles. I'm not one of those parents that think it's going to matter, in the grand scheme of things, if my 3 year old wears his Spiderman mask into Walmart. Choosing such battles has helped saved my sanity in the chaos that is having 3 kids in a span of (almost) 5 years. And frankly, I think I'm doing a pretty awesome job at it.
• Damn, I've become a good housewife.
• I'm almost 26 years old and still have no idea what I want to do when I grow up. The problem is narrowing down the list to one logical goal.
• Really, dad?

There comes a certain calm with being able to acknowledge that your life is not perfect, never will be perfect. Maybe that's the "perfect" part of it all...knowing that perfect is abnormal. When you learn to let go of the things that you have no control over, it takes a whole level of stress of your shoulders...which helps everything else fall into place. 

Lana Del Rey and coffee doesn't hurt either. 

You're welcome. 

Breaking

The hubster has requested that he now officially be referred to as BDD in my blogs. Figure it out, people.

;)