One more word and you won't survive....

My views on abortion

A few days ago, I posted (well, shared) a picture on my facebook page that depicted a political figure performing a pelvic exam on a woman with the words "Oh, I see the problem. You have the government in your vagina!"....clearly, it was a crack at the republican party trying to outlaw abortion. I suspected this would piss a few people (okay, a lot of people) on my facebook page off. But then I thought, I'm entitled to my opinions, and if they're that outraged by my opinions, they can either act like they never saw it...or they can delete me. After all, when it comes to something you really believe in, you can't put too much thought into what other people think of you for it.

Well, as expected, someone got pissed off. One of my oldest friends made a comment about how I needed to research what I was expressing. I didn't feel like making it into a huge thing, so I just deleted the comment. A few hours later, I got an instant message...."People are never going to respect your opinions if you can't defend them". My first thought was "They're MY opinions....I don't need to defend them. I told him that, but he wasn't letting up. Throughout the conversation, I was told that as I get older, I'm getting dumber. I was told that I'm impressionable. I was told that I need to quit believing the lies that Planned Parenthood was feeding me. Hm. Again, this is why I feel it's un-necessary to have these discussions with people who have no hope of opening their minds to see the other side. I've mentioned plenty of times before on this blog that I was originally FIERCELY pro-life. But I was lucky enough to be open minded enough to see the other side. I understand both sides of this debate. I have VERY unique beliefs about abortion. And in this post, I'll detail them.

First of all, let me say that as a mother, I think that EVERY.SINGLE.ABORTION. that happens is a sad event. Regardless of whether it's because the woman or girl just wasn't planning on a baby, she can't afford a baby, birth control failed, the pregnancy is a result of rape or incest, or God forbid, something is fatally wrong with the child. It is a SAD thing. No matter what side of the debate you're on...I think everyone can agree that an abortion is the ending of a life (or the potential for life, depending on your beliefs on when life begins). That's just the truth of the matter. An abortion is the ending of a life. This is SPECIFICALLY true in cases of late term abortion.

There are a few things that changed my mind on the matter of abortion. Until I was about 22, there was no reason a woman should have an abortion....EVER. And then, at around 14 weeks pregnant, I and my 2 year old daughter were kicked out of our apartment and my husband told me he wanted a divorce. Suddenly, I understood why girls and women consider the option. Not because it would be easier for me....it would have been the hardest thing I've ever done. But I felt it was unfair to bring a child into a broken home, where I believed the father didn't want him. I was worried about supporting my one child on my own....and TERRIFIED about how I'd support two. And to be honest, with all the stress my body was going through, I was already almost sure I'd miscarry. It was a devastating time. I obviously did not go through with the abortion. The farthest I got was googling how late you could have an abortion and how much it would cost (I knew NOTHING on the subject before then). After Michael was born, I felt so guilty....I cried often, thinking that he knew what I had been thinking during the pregnancy. I was lucky enough to make it through the pregnancy with only placenta previa, two threatened miscarriages, and a tear in my placenta. The whole ordeal was terrifying, but once I got back up on my feet, I became VERY attached to the baby that I was carrying. After Michael was born, and my husband and I were back together, I took a class where I had to do a persuasive research paper on abortion. I started the paper with the intention of convincing my classmates and my teacher than abortion was wrong. But by the end of it, I knew better. I read countless stories about women who had tried so hard to get pregnant, only to find that there baby had some awful ailment that they were suffering from. Stories about women who were very responsible, but their birth control failed, and they simply COULDN'T support a child (or another child). The guilt and pain that these women expressed was gut wrenching. There were nights that I couldn't stop crying while doing the research. So, yes, I think abortion should be legal. I think it is VERY IMPORTANT that it stays legal. Not because it should be an option for birth control.

Do I think it's appropriate that a girl is irresponsible with birth control and repeatedly uses abortion as a form of birth control? Absolutely not. Do I think a girl who IS responsible and just happens to fall into the .01% should be able to get an abortion? Yes. Do I think a mother who has tried for years to conceive and finally does, then finds out her baby is suffering and will probably die should be able to end her child's suffering? Absolutely. Even if it is unfortunately a late term abortion. Most insurance companies only pay for 3 ultrasounds per pregnancy. The initial ultrasound, which is used for dating purposes. The 18-20 week ultrasound to scan the anatomy (make sure everything is working properly). And the last ultrasound right before delivery to determine positioning. This is why most women who terminate for medical reasons end up having abortions late in the second trimester, or God forbid, early in the third trimester. There are TONS of abnormalities and problems that can be detected between 10-12 weeks of pregnancy. But since most insurance companies don't cover ultrasounds at that stage, most women don't find out about them until the 18th to 20th week of pregnancy. It's sad, really. By than, a woman is attached. Trust me, I know.

What really bothers me is that most people who are offended by my beliefs are conservative republicans. Rick Santorum is a conservative republican. One of his stances is outlawing contraceptives and abortion...even in the case of the mother's life being at risk. However, in 1996, he and his wife allowed doctors to induce labor (they knew early on that the baby would not live long after birth) because she had an intrauterine infection and a fever of nearly 105 degrees. Inducing labor before a baby is viable....termination, abortion. Do I think they were wrong? No. Do I think they should have continued to pregnancy? Of course not. They had other children at home that needed a mother. Do I think it's bullshit that he's now trying to outlaw abortion for ANY reason (even the reason his own wife had one)? HELL YES.


You may not like my views. You may completely disagree with them. But it doesn't give you the right to belittle me, take stabs at me, or argue with me just because you can. It can be a respectful debate. It can be a healthy debate. But why bother taking low blows? What good is that doing ANYONE? None.

Bodies...The Exhibition

Last Saturday, Dayton and I went to the Bodies exhibition at Atlantic Station. I've been dying to go ever since it came a couple of years ago. It was just as amazing as I had hoped. There's one part that I wasn't expecting (I JUST heard that it had this a few months ago). There's a fetus room. A room that shows fetal development. There is a warning posted before you go in, it warns you to take a moment before you go in, and also gives you directions on how to skip it. It says that all of the displayed embryos and fetuses died in-utero from various causes. I'll be honest....of course I was curious, but I was also a little nervous. And it turns out, for good reason.

As all my of readers know, I am fiercely pro-choice. Coming to that decision was not an easy journey for me. I almost felt guilty for admitting it. But I did, and I've embraced it. There were two tables and a display case set up. On the tables, there were these cylinder/tube type things. They were clear (obviously) all around and on top. It displayed fetuses at 4 weeks through 10 weeks. Then 12 weeks to 16 weeks. THEN, in the display case, there was at 18 week (I believe...) and a 28 week old fetus. As a mother, it was gut wrenching. As a person who is interested in reproductive issues, it was fascinating. I've had three children, I've had ultrasounds, I've had 3D ultrasounds. Nothing prepared me for what I saw. I took my time with each display. I wondered what happened with each baby. I felt sad for each of them, and each of their mothers. I tried to imagine that I was the mother that had lost them....I can't imagine walking into a room and seeing my dead fetus on display. These babies were all unclaimed and I couldn't help but wonder how a mother would feel if she walked into such an exhibition and saw what could have been her own baby on display. I also couldn't understand how a mother could not "claim" her lost child.

I was amazed at the 4 week tube. I must have stared at it for a good 5 minutes. It had no form. It looked like the tiniest piece of tissue. I was kind of surprised. I assumed that even at this early stage, it would have some form. It was at 6 weeks that it was recognizable as an embryo. It was at 10 weeks that it really started looking like a teeny tiny baby. This also happens to be the week that the baby changes status from an "embryo" to a "fetus".

Overall, it was a strange experience. I couldn't help but wonder what had happened to each embryo/fetus. I wondered how their mothers were doing, mentally, after such a loss. It was definitely interesting, certainly informative...but I also felt sympathy. Dayton said it was interesting, but he looked a little uncomfortable. I wonder if that would be a little different for a man to see. As women, we experience pregnancy...we can look at an ultrasound and feel the baby move while we're watching him or her. But for a man, it seems that parenthood REALLY becomes "real" at birth.

If you have time, definitely check out the exhibit. But I would warn you to really consider whether or not you want to see the fetal development room. If I had ever had a miscarriage, I don't think I would have been able to see it. It wasn't bloody, gory, or messy....but I think it would have hit too close to home.

Things to tell my children...

I have been giving a lot of thought lately to my family (family of origin) and what I wish was different with them (um, everything?). There are things that I wish my mother would have instilled in me that I hope to instill in my children. There are bonds that I wish were stronger (much stronger). And I wish I would have been taught to be more independent. Instead, I learned things like how to hold a grudge (forgiveness is something I'm still trying to wrap my head around), how to "get even", that I didn't need my siblings, and that I could always quit and come back home. Because of this, I've also been giving a lot of thought to what I want my children to leave home with. These are a few of the things I've come up with:

One of the most important things I want them to know is that their family is their foundation. Their daddy and I will always be there for them, with no strings attached. Second, I want them to know that they need to keep their bonds with each other strong. When their dad and I are gone, they will need each other, even though they'll have their own families by then.

I want them to know that they should never seek out drama....because it will ALWAYS find it's way to them. And when it does, don't encourage it. It will only make the situation harder. I want them to know that they should always speak the truth, always protect their dignity, and always stand up strong for what they believe in.

I will always stress how important a good education is to their futures. And I will always push them to do their very best, while always making sure that they're not overloaded.

I hope my children understand how important it is for them to love themselves and know themselves before their start a brand new life with someone. I never want them to lose themselves once they're found. I hope that they understand how important it is for them to establish themselves BEFORE they start depending on someone else.

Finally, I always want my babies to know that they can trust me. I want them to be able to tell me whatever they want (or need) to, without ever having the thought cross their minds that I might betray their trust, or that I might tell someone their secrets. I want them to trust each other. They will never understand how important their relationships are with one another until (well, hopefully they'll never understand) they don't have them.

George Tiller and related thoughts

Ever since I started researching abortion (for a pro-life paper I wrote 2 years ago), every once in a while, I google George Tiller, just in case there is something new to learn. Usually, nothing new pops up. After all, the man did die in 2009. It's not like he can do much to make news now.

Well, I think I read through every possible article that was available on the man while I was doing my research. At first, I was appalled, then outraged, then...sympathetic. Not just towards him, but his family, his patients, and the children that lost their lives in his clinic. As I've said before, regardless of the fact that I am pro-choice, abortion is a sad fact. It's sad that it happens. It's sad that a life is lost. It's sad that a woman feels she has to give up a chance at motherhood. All the way around, it's sad. But, as I've also said before, abortion is a fact of life. And in some instances, even necessary.

Something that I don't often come across are other mothers who are pro-choice. I know many women who were pro-choice, then they became mothers, and their views changed. I'm the opposite. I was fiercely pro-life, and after Dayton and my separation and research, I became fiercely pro-choice. Ironic, since I've experienced the miracle of bringing a life into the world....trust me, I know. I can watch video after video and read article after article about George Tiller's clinic, and when I see it....I don't see it as a building that houses women's rights. I see it as a sad place. I place of goodbyes. A place of letting go, even when the people involved didn't want to. George Tiller....I don't see him as a murderer. I don't really see him as a doctor. I see him, and I the first word to cross my mind is "mercy". Sure. He aborted children that I, myself, would have taken the chance on and carried. He's also aborted children that had no hope other than a short life of pain. But then, who am I to judge the women that went to him? Who are any of us to judge them? I used to think that if Dayton and I ever had a Downs Syndrome baby, I could handle it. After researching the disease, I'm not so sure. There are so many more problems than the public is aware of. And it's like that for MANY diseases. I'll be honest. If we had a baby who had a life threatening illness and I aborted, I would always feel guilty for aborting. I would. I would always wonder "what if". But I know that if I had a child in such a condition, I would always feel guilty and selfish for bringing him or her into the world just to make myself feel better. Maybe it DOES make sense. Maybe since I am a mother now, I know that I would do anything to take the pain away from the child. I would do anything to keep my child from suffering, even if it broke my own heart. Even if it took my own life. I would do anything to keep my babies from suffering. I'd like to say that there is no disease too big that I wouldn't be able to handle it when it came to my own child. But, I would not be able to handle watching him or her suffer. That's something that I couldn't do. I couldn't handle looking at my child and seeing a look on his/her face of "Why?" or "Mommy, make this better".

This is an intensely sensitive subject. And a very personal one, at that. Some women would be able to weather a life threatening illness. Maybe it makes me weak that I am not one of them. I don't know. And I am open minded enough to respect a person's feelings of being pro-life. After all, I used to be one of the best of them. But I don't think it's acceptable, from either stand-point, to judge. I don't think it's okay for a pro-choice person to judge a woman for carrying a child that she knew would suffer and die. I don't think it's okay for a pro-life person to judge a woman for terminating a pregnancy, for any reason. Because after all, what they say is true....until you walk a mile in someone's shoes, you have no idea how they feel or what they're going through.

Cheesy-phobes, don't bother....

Every once in a while, I go back and read Phoenix's birth story that I posted back in October. Every time, without fail, I fall in love with my husband a little bit more. The time we spent in the hospital together, and the week or so afterwards were nothing short of magical. Corny, but true. We were on cloud 9 (then of course, the post partum hormones kicked in and I became a big basket of crazy). One night we were playing around and he grabbed me, held me, and said "This feels just like a fairytale. We're so happy!". He was right. It was just like a fairytale, and we were so happy. Every time I re-read that story, I still am. Life, of course, has gotten in the way plenty since Phoenix was born, but when it comes right down to it....that guy that took me to the fair and spent a fortune on winning me prizes, the guy that walked out into the rain to make sure I was okay, the guy that I gave my heart to 7 years ago...he still gives me butterflies. I still smile just thinking about him. Maybe we're finally on the right path.

I've been pondering a lot of things lately. Maybe my mind's way of turning over a new leaf, I'm not really sure. I'm starting to have empathy where I never did before. I'm starting to accept that some things can't be changed, no matter how hard you try. And maybe more importantly, wondering what kind of person I really am. Am I who I set out to be? Am I even on that path? And finally...are the things that I've spent so much time worrying about...REALLY worth it? I'm starting to not think so. Maybe that's a good thing. In fact, it feels pretty good.