I cant help but wonder how different things might have have been by now if I never would have asked that one question on that one night. Though I already knew the answer, hearing it is a completely different ballpark. I sometimes wonder if I shoulid have just let it linger in my mind without that final confirmation. When you don't have that confirmation, you can hang onto that hope that maybe you're wrong, you know? I've always been a believer in the old saying "ignorance is bliss"....but I guess I'll never really know.

You think you want to know? You're mistaken.

I tend to be one of those people that needs all the details. I need answers to my questions. I need to be completely clear on what exactly happened.

So it takes forever to get the answers that you need, you finally start getting them bit by bit...and it's just too much. And suddenly it hits you "What the hell was I thinking? Why did I want to know this, again?"...

You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't.

The truth is...

...some hurts you just have to live with. And Bob Marley wasn't shitting you when he said "Everyone is going to hurt you. You just have to find the ones worth hurting for". True story.

Pro-choice, yet compassionate? YES, it is possible.

Lots of people are surprised that I am pro-choice. Mostly because I was so adamantly pro-life just a couple of years ago. But the new people I meet, that only know me as pro-choice, seem surprised that I can support abortion rights, and still be compassionate to the babies being aborted. As a mother, how could I not be?

There are plenty of women (mothers, included) who see an unborn baby as nothing more than an embryo, or a fetus. I don't feel that way. I feel that an unborn baby is just that-an unborn BABY. However, I also see abortion as a sad thing. Sometimes necessary, but always sad. Regardless of why a woman needs an abortion, the situation is always unfortunate. For example, if a young girl is raped and gets pregnant as a result...that is awful. It's particularly nightmarish if the girl is say, 9 or 10 years old. The pregnancy alone could seriously damage her body. If a married couple conceives a much wanted baby and they find out that their baby has some horrible, painful, incurable disease and they decide to terminate...there is nothing about that situation that is good. If a teenage girl's birth control fails and she becomes pregnant, sure...she has the right to seek an abortion. But that doesn't make it any less sad that an unborn baby is being aborted.

While of course we know that a 10 week old baby cannot survive outside of his or her mother's womb, it doesn't erase the fact that this is the POTENTIAL for life. And it's a sad thing when that potential is terminated, for whatever reason. I have said over and over, I do not particularly support abortions just because the mother decides she doesn't want a baby. I certainly do not support late term abortions because a woman takes 24 weeks to decide she doesn't want to be a mother. Personally, I think late term abortions should be for medical reasons ONLY. But I do support abortions for other reasons. I can understand a woman in a bad relationship getting one. I can understand a rape and/or incest victim getting one...especially a very young girl. I can understand terminating a pregnancy because your baby is suffering for one reason or another. And because of that, I don't feel like I have the right to be a bitch about abortions for any other reason. If they're legal for these reasons, they need to be legal for any reason (up to a certain point). Because let's be honest...if abortions are made illegal, the only thing that will change is that more women will die. We will go to back alley abortions. A mother who already has 5 kids at home to take care of is at a higher risk of leaving those kids motherless by going to a strange, unlicensed person for an abortion. And I just can't justify that in my mind. I feel that God gave us the benefit of science for a reason. I really do. I think that the choice to have an abortion takes a lot of soul searching.

Can you be a compassionate pro-choicer? I believe so. Can you be a compassionate pro-lifer? I think so. I also believe there can be mindless idiots on both sides of the fence. But the truth is, none of us are anyone to judge. If you are pro-life because of your religious beliefs, you should know this more than anyone. But regardless of where you stand or why, I am grateful that I am compassionate to both sides. I'm grateful that I've been on both sides of the fence (being pro-life and now pro-choice). I'm grateful for the open mind and the understanding.

The stay at home mom vs. The working mom

Regardless of what side you're on in this debate, it's likely that you feel like you're missing out on something. Stay at home moms tend to have the nagging "not contributing to the family" issue, working moms tend to feel like they're missing out on watching their kids grow. Sometimes it seems to be a no win, no matter which route you decide to take.

For me, while I've worked for a period since I've been a mom, I've been a stay at home mom for the majority of the time. It's not something that I ever really planned on, but once ZoeJane was born, we decided it was best for her to stay at home with me for a while, then it just stuck (we had one car). I worked for a while while I was pregnant with Michael and for about 4 months after, and I loved it. I loved the adult conversation and having a little bit of time away. However, my two favorite things were giving my husband the chance to miss me and making my own money. For the first time in our marriage, I didn't feel like everything was his. I felt like I had an equal say. And it's nice to be missed sometimes. In fact, it's damn near incredible. I assume that lots of stay at home moms don't have these feelings of inequality. I also assume it's probably because they have a perfect (or damn near perfect) marriage...or the most appreciative husbands imaginable. But that's just me. I loathe the feeling of having nothing of my own...nothing with my name on it. It doesn't matter what he says about it, I still feel that way regardless. But hey, sometimes, you've got to do what you've got to do. Hence, the degree. At least once I graduate, the money that I am making while spending time away from the kids will be better than the money I'd be making now, without a degree.

My biggest problem with working is that I'm a worrier. It was the first time since she had been born that I had really left ZoeJane for a long period of time. So there were always lots of phone calls to check in. It didn't matter that she was with Dayton or my family--I hated the idea that I wasn't the one supervising and taking care of her. If there was a way to make good money and stay at home at the same time, I'd be on it.

By the time I'm done with my degree, there's a good chance that Dayton won't be working (he's getting a medical discharge), so the roles will be completely reversed. And once I start working full time, I imagine that I'll enjoy the adult interaction, but knowing me, I'll probably be jealous that he's the one that gets to spend all the time with the kids.

I guess it's a never ending struggle with moms. Since the beginning of time, we've been programmed to stay home and take care of the house, the kids, and the husband. Of course times have changed...but that doesn't make the internal struggle any less difficult.

Question of the day:

If someone does something to hurt you, yet they don't care that they've hurt you, or care to help make it better....are they really worth hurting over?

This has been replaying over and over and over in my head today and so far, I'm coming up empty.

We are meant to handle some things on our own. I find that most issues this true for most issues that I encounter. Whether it be a family issue, a marital issue, or whatever else is going on in my head. One in particular is what happened almost two years ago. I should have my head wrapped around this by now, but I don't. In fact, it seems harder as we're coming up on the two year mark than it did last year when we hit the one year mark. I can't help but wonder if the hurt I felt over it when I found out (when I was pregnant with Michael) and the hurt I feel over it now (while I'm pregnant with Phoenix) only hurts so much because I'm pregnant. Don't get me wrong...it still hurt like hell in between the pregnancies, but lately, if it so much as crosses my mind in the wrong way, I'm in tears. For this reason, I must be meant to deal with this alone. I do not talk to my family about any marital issues, as I know they will offer nothing but negativity. Hell, I don't talk to my family about much at all anymore. I don't talk to Dayton about this issue because I know he's over it. He is past it, and offers nothing in the way of support when I mention it. Now that he's over it, his idea of helping me cope is to sit in complete silence when I try and talk about it (side note darling, it is not considered "listening" when 5 minutes of silence has passed as I'm waiting for you to respond). This seems to make the issue worse for me, as it was the opposite when we first got back together and it was still fresh for him. And worst of all, I feel ridiculous for discussing it with friends because I feel like I'm beating a dead horse...there is nothing they can say to make it hurt any less either. Like I said...we are meant to deal with some things alone, and this is one of my things. 

To be honest, even I don't know how to handle it anymore. I am beyond words. I have lost whatever little courage I may have ever had to ask her my questions directly. There is nothing that I can say about it that hasn't already been said. There is nothing that he can say or do to make it better. What's done is done and my logical mind knows that. I know that no matter what I think I want from him now, nothing will make it any better. I find myself being a bitch to deal. He understood that mechanism in the beginning, but I can't blame him for being pissed that I still use it to cope. 

I've written letters to both of them. Letters that I know I'll never send. But even if I did, it wouldn't be enough. There are not enough words in my vocabulary to explain the damage that their one night together has caused. The questions alone are enough to eat me alive. I have so many questions. I'm beyond moving past this for my marriage. I have to move past this for my own good, but how the HELL is that supposed to happen? Would I feel better if I confronted her? I'm pretty sure I'd feel better if I slashed her tires...but the goal is to feel better while staying out of jail. I can think of about a million and two ILLEGAL ways to feel better. Damn the legal system. Part of me thinks I would probably feel better if he would just still feeling SOMETHING about it. But he's been able to completely sweep it under the rug. I hate that. It's stupid and selfish and hormonal and bitchy...but a little part of me feels like if I'm still hurting over it, he should too. That seems fair, doesn't it? All is fair in love and war in the mind of a pregnant woman...or at least that's what I'm telling myself to get through the day.

So if you go waaaay back in the history, you'll see that there is a reason behind the name, The Souvenir. It was never about abortion, women's rights, religious views, politics or anything of the sort. But about the scars we accumulate throughout our lives. Our souvenirs.

Aside from the fact that I'm in the midst of pregnancy hormones, my mind has been racing lately because we're rapidly approaching the 2 year anniversary of when Dayton and I got back together. This also means we are rapidly approaching the 2 year anniversary of when he slept with another woman. Regardless of the hormones, this kind of thing is bound to hurt. Well, it's bound to hurt me. I'm sure lots of girls would be over it by now...if they ever had a problem with it to begin with. It's certainly not that I try to dwell on these things, but my mind tends to store dates. It was hard a year ago when the one year mark rolled around. I figured it would be easier by now, but it isn't. That hurt just doesn't go away. The feelings of betrayal and humiliation still lingers. And frankly, there are so many questions that I still need answers to, it feels like it's impossible to move on.

I came back into this marriage with a full understanding that it would take much longer than the 3 months it took for all this damage to occur, to heal the hurt and move on. I wanted to be the woman who could take such a blow and move on gracefully. I wanted to be the woman who knew it had nothing to do with her. I wanted to tell myself that it meant nothing, that it was just a drunken encounter with a trashy woman at a bar. But I haven't moved on gracefully. I don't know that it had nothing to do with me. I don't know what all happened, and I don't know that it meant nothing. I'm not so sure that she's the low life that I like to think she is.

I've always said that it can take 10x's as long to fix damage than it does to cause it...though I didn't think that it would apply here. I know how sorry Dayton is. I know that he completely lost himself and found his way back. I know that he loves me. But that doesn't answer any of the questions I have. That doesn't automatically take the hurt away. It doesn't keep my mind from wandering not only to that night, but to earlier happenings in our relationship. It doesn't make it any easier.

I wish I could be a bitch about it. I wish I could just be mad. I wish that I could confront her and ask my questions, but I know that nothing good would come from it. I secretly hope that we'll run into her one day while we're together...but I know that would probably effect me more than it would her. I find myself hoping that she's miserable, even though I know that's wrong of me. I like to think I'm better than her, but I know that I'm not.

They're called scars for a reason. They're permanent. Nothing makes them go away.