A hard few days

I can't figure out why this still feels so fresh. I've been trying to push it to the back of my mind...but the last 4 days or so, it's been just as bad as it was when it first happened. And the lack of support really makes me wonder. I would give anything for it to just go away. I wish I could fall asleep one night and have forgotten it by morning. I wish I could go more than 3 days without having dreams about it. I try and keep those to myself. I think that's why I've been sleeping so shitty the last few weeks. It's amazing what your subconscious brings to light...what it brings to your attention. I almost had myself fooled that it didn't matter. It's almost impossible to deal with this all alone. None of my friends can relate to this. He's the only one that can, but he doesn't want to hear about it. I know he feels bad about it, though, it doesn't bother him like it used to. I think that bothers me. It still haunts me and he's able to go on like nothing ever happened. That's like adding insult to injury. He says that's his way of dealing...just forgetting. There have been a few times that he told me he never thinks about it, accept when I bring it up. Now, if I bring it up, I'm a bitch...or I'm treating him like shit....or I'm immature. How is it that an issue that's killing me is so meaningless to him? I can't let it out to anyone. I can't talk to my family about it. The only family members I'm talking to are my parents. If I talk to my mom about it, she tries to convince me to leave. My dad says to just get over it. I can't talk to him about it, and in addition to my husband, he's my best friend. I don't think any of my friends really understand. They've been cheated on, but not while they're married and pregnant. That simple fact still hurts me so much. I was PREGNANT. I was spending all my nights stressed as hell and crying myself to sleep. I'd give anything for him to understand, for him to be as understanding and loving as he was when we got back together. I'd give anything to have this taken away. It's the most alone, disgusting feeling. Even a year later, I still feel like it's because I wasn't enough...because I wasn't pretty enough, or smart enough, or independent enough, or...whatever. There's still so much that I don't understand...there are so many questions that I know will never be answered. That makes it so much harder to deal with. I feel completely alone with this. Like it's my burden to bear and no one else's. But it's weird. It's like my husband has this common bond, this connection with this other woman. Even if they don't talk anymore, it still happened. They still shared something. It's never going to go away. 50 years from now, it will still be there...lingering in existence.

I will always feel like I'm less than her. This has shaken me to my core. It sucks ass, but that's how it goes, I suppose. I made the commitment to overcome this. I would give anything to not care anymore.

No one understands this. I really am in this one alone. This is one of those days I have to keep re-reading old texts and notes.