Eh...you know....

I won't lie...my heart hurts. It was a year ago today that my husband told me he had slept with another woman. A year later, 365 days later, it still feels just as fresh as if it had happened yesterday. I still remember exactly what was said. I appreciate that he was honest, though sometimes I think it would have been better for my emotions for him to have lied. One year doesn't make the hurt go away. Everybody says "time heals all"...well, apparently it takes more than a year. I try SO hard not to hold it against him. I try to let it go and push it to the back of my mind. It just lingers. SHE lingers. I saw actual photo's of her last week. It killed me. I had this specific picture of her in my head. I had already made my mind up about her...but she's nothing like I thought. She looks happy, friendly. From her photos, I can tell she's independent, three kids, her own house (NICE house...which my husband has been in). It breaks my heart just a bit. When he decided he wanted me back, I was just as independent. I had my own place. I was at the top of the world. Now, of course, I'm back to being the housewife. Of course, this was a decision we made together. He ASKED me to quit my job so we could move back to north Ga. I did, and I'm back to being a stay at home mom. Of course, I love being with my kids all day. I love them so much...but I miss having a life outside of "him". I miss being able to contribute financially. I miss knowing that I could make it on my own, without him. I miss the independence. (Side note, I'm watching "PS, I Love You" and I love Irish music...) My heart still hurts like it happened yesterday. A whole YEAR later...why doesn't it hurt any less?? When I decided to take him back, I was fully aware that he had been with another woman. Of course, when he decided he wanted me back he was MUCH more romantic. We had conversations that lasted for HOURS at night. It was fantastic..just like we were when we first started dating. I guess I thought it would stay like that, therefore making it SO easy to "get over it". He's since gotten less understanding. I can't say that I blame him. Even I thought I'd be passed it by now. Of course, I did think he'd still seem "sorry". The only downside this woman has is that she has 3 kids by 3 different dads. Is that enough to make me better? No. Of course, that is the reason I planned on getting my tubes tied after Michael was born (before we got back together). I didn't want to have multiple kids from multiple dads. That's how my family was, it just complicates things.

Anybody who knows Dayton and my whole history knows how rocky it's been. If you KNOW us, you know how hard we've worked to make our marriage work. You know how much we've been through. But you also know how we connect, how much we love each other and why. It's complicated....but I don't think either of us can see ourselves with somebody else. Our's is a complicated love story, but an honest to God actual love story. There have been so many times that we've almost split up...but we've always worked through it, knowing how much we actually love each other...how much we actually connect.

I think that's why it hurts so much...because we both know we're the only ones for each other. Anybody who REALLY knows us, knows that happened during the separation, how much it hurt both of us....and how happy we were to finally be back together. I thought I hated him. He thought he hated me...but we finally saw the light. We finally saw that we couldn't make it with anybody else. So why does it still hurt so much? Why do I care that he had ONE drunken night with ONE slutty girl? I can't answer that. Other than, she seems like someone I could make friends with...she doesn't seem like the total "bar-whore" that I envisioned her to be. And I know that she's the independent person that I want to be...and I wonder if my husband misses that kind of woman. I don't know. I honestly don't. I can't say that I honestly think he'd go back to her and cheat or anything. It just hurts knowing that this woman shared something with my husband that WE do...and that I've ONLY done with him. Yeah, he's seriously the only person I've ever slept with.

Okay. I'm going to bed. I'm drunk, I'm tired, and my heart HURTS. I'm ready for this day to be over. Ironically, it two days, we will have been "back together" for a whole year. Cheers to us. Regardless of what everybody thinks, it is possible for a marriage to work after it's been through "the other woman"....or "the other man" for that matter. I love my husband. I know in my heart that he loves me...even if he has a hard time showing it sometimes.

Every relationship is different. Every marriage is different. I hope you don't judge your's on the "ideal" relationship. Remember, all of them are different. All of them work in different ways and for different reasons.

I love my husband, regardless of the hurt I may feel.