For those who have been unable to find peace in this world

Depression is an illness of the worst kind. From personal experience, I can only attempt to tell you how consuming it really is. The thoughts of suicide overcome you. If it's not taken care of, it will take over. The feelings will take over. And that is when suicide happens. When the pain outweighs the strength you have to fight it. For whatever reason, depression and suicide is an ever growing trend among my generation. Maybe it's a fad (though, only God knows why someone would want to follow THAT trend). Maybe it's that parents have forgotten how to be parents. Maybe it's something else. But regardless of the reason, it's there. Since I was 14, I can count 3 acquaintances who have succeeded in ending their lives, and countless others who have attempted to. Maybe the reason this keeps happening is because there's such a disconnect. It's hard to read someone's demeanor from the other side of a computer screen or through a text message. Person to person contact is diminishing. Again, the reasons behind it don't matter. The depression is what matters-the illness. And do not be mistaken, this is an illness. It is as much of a sickness as diabetes or cystic fibrosis. It not only effects one mentally, but often physically as well. If you were showing signs of Multiple Sclerosis, would you seek out medical intervention?

In honor of those already lost, if you or someone you know is experiencing symptoms of depression, please get help or encourage help. Sometimes it's as easy as a one hour talk therapy session once a week. Other times it takes medication. Help is available to those willing to speak up. 

National Suicide Prevention Line: 1-800-273-8255

http://www.suicidehotlines.com

Depression Haven--online support:  http://depression.about.com/gi/o.htm?zi=1/XJ&zTi=1&sdn=depression&cdn=health&tm=17&f=10&su=p284.9.336.ip_p1026.9.336.ip_&tt=2&bt=1&bts=0&zu=http://www.depressionhaven.org/

Starting to make peace with the inevitable...

I've really been avoiding the idea of anti-depressants for a while now. I got off of them because I got pregnant. I stayed off of them to prove a point. I think I made my point, but all that hard work seems to be crashing down now. Now that life is finally starting to settle down, it's time for me to start dealing with whats happened. That reality has brought along with it, a whole new kind of anxiety and depression. I've been back on anxiety meds for a little while now to help with the panic attacks. But the depression is actually scaring me. That's a first. Well hell, there goes that whole "I-am-woman-hear-me-roar" thing. Damn. Will update this story as needed.

The beginning of the end, April 13, 2009

I was about 2 months pregnant, and had an afternoon appointment with my counselor. I had been getting the distinct feeling from my husband that he was no longer interested in our marriage. After I talked to her, I decided that it was time to suck it up and explain to my husband that he could be happy about this planned pregnancy and act like it, or me and our daughter would be leaving. Without batting an eye, he said "Okay, go". After a few hours of arguing, he called my mother to come get me. Divorce was never mentioned until after my mom showed up to get me. He told her that he wanted a divorce. She told me, I asked him, and I got a quiet "yes".

I calmly (as calmly as I could) told him that I hated him and would never forgive him, and we left. I got sick on the hour and a half drive to my mom's house. I cried myself to sleep when we finally got there. The next morning, I woke up in a total panic. The worst thing about that next morning was that I was angry at this little life growing inside of me, because I was sure this new baby was the reasoning behind him wanting a divorce. On top of that, the idea of bringing this new baby into a broken home brought on overwhelming feelings of guilt.

I called my husband that afternoon to try to talk. He informed me, loudly in his office, that we were over, he was emotionally tired of working on our marriage, and that there was nothing I could do or say to make him want me back. He ended the conversation by yelling "This is it! We're over!". I was humiliated. I was devastated. And with those 5 little words, I felt like my heart had actually broken.

I kept thinking, "After all the things I've stuck with him through, he's just throwing me away! What was the point of working through all those problems in the first place?". I was humiliated to have to keep explaining to people over and over and over that my husband had kicked me and our daughter out.

It is humiliating to admit that this is when I started considering an abortion. I'd always been STRONGLY pro-life, but now...I felt guiltier than I ever thought imaginable for bringing this baby into a broken home, with a "crazy" mother. I felt like every baby deserved to be brought into the world with happy parents, a daddy to gush, and an actual HOME to be brought back to...not a single bedroom that his mother and big sister already shared. I never could bring myself to do it, even after hearing from my husband that he never wanted another baby with me...that he just got me pregnant to shut me up. I decided that somehow, I would provide a home for our children, and that I could love this new baby enough for BOTH of us...and that I wanted him more than anything.

The darkest days of my life came before this separation...when my husband was wrapped up in other girls and his video games. The fact that I had stayed through all that, just to have him throw me away like yesterday's garbage...made these first few weeks after the split almost unbearable. It was the most humiliating time of my life.