It's been a rough week since last Thursday. I've had a lot on my mind since then, a lot that I'm having a hard time sorting through. Then Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were pretty much perfect. It was the first time in MONTHS that I've felt like I could actually catch my breath and breathe. I've spent so much time being scared over the last year...it feels weird to not have that fear as a constant.
Every time I start to feel normal, or even GOOD, some little thing happens to throw me off course. It can be the smallest thing, but can evoke the most intense fear in me. It automatically takes me back to a year and a half ago, and I'm convinced that history is repeating itself. It throws everything up in the air. I feel like I can't catch my breath.
The worst part about those times is that no one knows how to handle them. I know what I need in those scary moments, but....yeah. I know what makes those moments worse, and usually those things are exactly what end up happening. It's times like these that I get most confused. They make me re-evaluate everything. They make me question the decisions I've made and make me wonder what I'm doing wrong. Which, you guessed it, makes the feeling worse.
My main goal now is to get myself sorted out. The problem with it is that it's something I've got to do completely on my own. No one understands, and even if they did, no one wants to deal with it. Hell, I don't even want to deal with it. The goal is to be the person I was a year ago. That was me at my best. That was me centered. That's the person I need to be again.
I'll keep you posted.
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