Nothing like old school Ani Difranco to stir some stuff up.
I keep re-playing this song (particularly these lines) over and over in my head.
I am not a pretty girl/That's not what I do/I ain't no damsel in distress/and I don't need to be rescued.......and the next:
I am not an angry girl/But it seems like I've got everyone fooled/Every time I say something they find hard to hear/They chalk it up to my anger/And never to their own fear....
The truth is, I am angry. I'm angry because I've never been "the pretty girl" to the love of my life. His ideal girl is skinny, pierced, tattooed, dark hair (sometimes), and a nice ass. I'm not skinny, though I'm not overweight, either. I got my first tattoo (a tramp stamp) because I was so scared that he was getting ready to leave me for another girl...and the ONE thing she didn't have that he loved, was a tramp stamp. I got my ears pierced in hopes even THAT might make me more attractive to him. I had always wanted to be pierced and tattooed, but am a total wuss. And of course, I've got mousy brown hair and no ass, whatsoever.
It wasn't until after we split and I saw his myspace status (has a fetish for tats and piercings...its almost perverted), that I FINALLY got the guts to do something I'd always wanted-I got my tongue pierced (I thought only tattoos were no-no's while pregnant). It hurt like hell...but I had never felt so liberated.
It was after our son was born that I finally got the tattoo that I wanted, just for me. A really whimsical bird on my wrist....to remind me to never be scared to do it on my own again...that I had pulled through once and could do it again.
So, I'm finally starting to accept being just mediocre me. No career (yet), barely modified, not skinny, not particularly interesting, not talented....just me.
Just because a man doesn't validate you by including you in his personal superficial tastes in women doesn't mean you are mediocre. You thinking you are mediocre makes you such. You are a mother. You are a woman.
ReplyDeleteYou are enough.