The Souvenir

We are meant to handle some things on our own. I find that most issues this true for most issues that I encounter. Whether it be a family issue, a marital issue, or whatever else is going on in my head. One in particular is what happened almost two years ago. I should have my head wrapped around this by now, but I don't. In fact, it seems harder as we're coming up on the two year mark than it did last year when we hit the one year mark. I can't help but wonder if the hurt I felt over it when I found out (when I was pregnant with Michael) and the hurt I feel over it now (while I'm pregnant with Phoenix) only hurts so much because I'm pregnant. Don't get me wrong...it still hurt like hell in between the pregnancies, but lately, if it so much as crosses my mind in the wrong way, I'm in tears. For this reason, I must be meant to deal with this alone. I do not talk to my family about any marital issues, as I know they will offer nothing but negativity. Hell, I don't talk to my family about much at all anymore. I don't talk to Dayton about this issue because I know he's over it. He is past it, and offers nothing in the way of support when I mention it. Now that he's over it, his idea of helping me cope is to sit in complete silence when I try and talk about it (side note darling, it is not considered "listening" when 5 minutes of silence has passed as I'm waiting for you to respond). This seems to make the issue worse for me, as it was the opposite when we first got back together and it was still fresh for him. And worst of all, I feel ridiculous for discussing it with friends because I feel like I'm beating a dead horse...there is nothing they can say to make it hurt any less either. Like I said...we are meant to deal with some things alone, and this is one of my things. 

To be honest, even I don't know how to handle it anymore. I am beyond words. I have lost whatever little courage I may have ever had to ask her my questions directly. There is nothing that I can say about it that hasn't already been said. There is nothing that he can say or do to make it better. What's done is done and my logical mind knows that. I know that no matter what I think I want from him now, nothing will make it any better. I find myself being a bitch to deal. He understood that mechanism in the beginning, but I can't blame him for being pissed that I still use it to cope. 

I've written letters to both of them. Letters that I know I'll never send. But even if I did, it wouldn't be enough. There are not enough words in my vocabulary to explain the damage that their one night together has caused. The questions alone are enough to eat me alive. I have so many questions. I'm beyond moving past this for my marriage. I have to move past this for my own good, but how the HELL is that supposed to happen? Would I feel better if I confronted her? I'm pretty sure I'd feel better if I slashed her tires...but the goal is to feel better while staying out of jail. I can think of about a million and two ILLEGAL ways to feel better. Damn the legal system. Part of me thinks I would probably feel better if he would just still feeling SOMETHING about it. But he's been able to completely sweep it under the rug. I hate that. It's stupid and selfish and hormonal and bitchy...but a little part of me feels like if I'm still hurting over it, he should too. That seems fair, doesn't it? All is fair in love and war in the mind of a pregnant woman...or at least that's what I'm telling myself to get through the day.