It's not secret that my children are my life. It's been that way since the day we found out ZoeJane was on her way. I always felt so lucky to be carrying a little life inside of me. Three pregnancies later, it still feels that way.

We were not planning to start our family so soon after we got married. We had been married for 5 months when I found out I was pregnant with ZoeJane. Even when I went and bought the test and took it, I was still surprised to get a positive result. See, I was the type that was always paranoid about being pregnant. It was like a bi-monthly thing. I had gone grocery shopping and bought one, just to make sure. It wasn't an immediate result. In fact, I was just thinking to myself "I can't believe I keep wasting money on these things". I had picked it up to toss it in the trash when I noticed a faint second line had shown itself. Needless to say, I didn't put the rest of the groceries away. I jumped in the car, test in hand, and drove across base (as slowly and calmly as I could considering their strict speed limits) to tell Dayton. I walked in, signed in (while the guy at the desk was giving me crap and telling me I looked like I had just seen a ghost...) and walked back to his office. I opened the door and looked at his desk--of course he wasn't there. About the time I wanted to start freaking out, he came around the corner, spit cup in hand. I didn't say anything. "Hey! What's up? What are you doing here?".....I still couldn't say anything. I'm pretty sure that by then, my eyes were as big as melons. He stood there staring at me, waiting for me to say something. Finally I managed to nod my head. He started nodding back with a "?" on his face...then he started nodding a little faster. "Yeah? YEAH? Are you sure?"...It was at that point I managed a "yeah". He left work early and came home to be with me. We were ecstatic, shocked, and a little nervous. We cuddled for the rest of the afternoon.

With Michael, we started trying on the night of ZoeJane's second birthday. I was sad every month after when I realized I wasn't pregnant. Finally, we decided to take one of our sporadic trips to Michigan (with a stop in Kentucky to see Dayton's little brother graduate from boot camp). I had been thinking that maybe this was the month. So after the graduation and a family lunch, we made a stop at a local Walmart (in BFE Kentucky..) and I ran in to grab a magazine for the trip, some snacks, and a pregnancy test. There was no waiting until we got to Michigan. I took the test in the Walmart bathroom. The result was pretty immediate, and I had to fight the urge to hug the little old lady that was standing at the sink and tell her my good news. Somehow, I managed to pull it together and tuck the test back in the bag. I stepped outside and Dayton pulled up the front door to get me. I got in as calmly as I could (I think I played it pretty well) and told him I got him something. He asked what it was, I took out the test, and laid it on the console. It was a movie moment. Anyone who knows my husband knows how standoffish he can be...how unenthusiastic and tough he can seem. He melted. He had the biggest smile and gave me the biggest hug. We both even managed to shed a few tears over it.

Finally, with Phoenix...we were actually planning to NOT have a baby until I was done with school (another two years). With a looming medical discharge, school, and two small kids at home...we thought another two years would be the perfect timing to add the finishing touch to our little family. But no. Phoenix Cole decided he didn't want to wait that long. I wasn't really worried until I went to put on a loose t-shirt and almost jumped out of my skin (gotta love first trimester boob pain). I got a test a few days later. I was a little nervous before I took it, as this was SO not the plan. But we went out to eat, then went to Target. I got a 12 pk of coke and a test. On my way out, I found another 12 pk of Mountain Dew that had been left on the bottom of a cart. I should have known right then. It was such a random, "out there" thing...I should have known that a surprise pregnancy would present itself that day, lol. I might add that since I figured this may be the last test I ever took...I splurged and bought the two pack of the fancy digital tests. Yeah, because I'm a nerd. So we come home, get the kids settled and Dayton hops on his computer while I go take the test. I'm pretty sure he thought I was just being paranoid. So, the little hour glass that flashes on the digital screen flashed twice before it came back with "pregnant". I sat there for a good couple of minutes before I called him into the bathroom. I was freaked. Happy, of course. But this wasn't the plan...and I am such a plan-oriented person, it was enough to have me spooked. When he came in the bathroom, I handed him the test. He says "Cool!" and then couldn't figure out why I was so freaked. It didn't take long for the shock to wear off before I started wrapping my head around the fact that we were about to add to our little brood.

Each pregnancy has been so special in it's own little way. With ZoeJane, it was so exciting because here we were, just a couple of kids (really, like going on 19 and 21) who were about to start their family--their legacy. With Michael, it was the conscious choice for us to keep building on that little foundation. It was everything we went through during the pregnancy thought brought us closer together. And with Phoenix, it's making the choice to complete our little family. It's the idea that the Kline family is going to be complete, with Dayton and I, a beautiful little girl and two sweet little boys. It's so exciting to think about. Each one has been a blessing of epic proportions. Each baby has reflected something different, a different stage in our lives and our marriage. And now here we are, with a little girl who is about to start school. And she's so smart, it's scary. I see a lot of my attitude in her, and it's a battle deciding whether to laugh at it or be annoyed. She's also taken on my caretaker complex. She's the little mom. She wants to take care of Michael. She'll want to take care of Phoenix too. There isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't love on her mommy and daddy and let us know how much she loves us. She makes our days brighter. Michael, is our little love bug. He's got such a soft heart and worries so much if he thinks something isn't right. He'll cuddle for hours, for no reason at all. And oh my goodness, the performers that we have! They are both so big on entertaining. Michael is so funny, while ZoeJane has a strong flair for the dramatics. I'm so excited to meet Phoenix and learn his little personality.

Each pregnancy has had it's own challenges, it's own scares. Each one has been special in a way that I cannot put into words. And there has always been something special about how things are between Dayton and I when we're expecting a baby, that ends up leaving us a little stronger than we were before.

Mommyhood isn't something I would trade for anything in the world. And while I fully intend on embarking on a career outside of the home within the next few years, I think the time I've spent with my babies will make a difference. I know it has for me. <3

Summer of Mercy...2.0

Back when I was big into the pro-life movement, I read about the Summer of Mercy in the early 90's and thought that it was great. Now, I look back and think "What was the point?". It wasn't peaceful. It was chaos. Can you imagine how those poor women must have felt? I can only imagine the weight of the world on my shoulders as I was about to make such a heart wrenching decision...much less with thousands of people pointing their fingers and judging me...publicly, on top of it. And on top of that, hundreds of pro lifers were arrested.

Now, Operation Rescue is at it again. Only this time, instead of holding their "peaceful" protest in Wichita, it's being held in Germantown, Maryland...right outside of Leroy Carhart's clinic. Leroy Carhart now performs late term abortions in his Germantown clinic, though the majority of his work is done early in pregnancy. The protest is scheduled to last for one week. Already, Carhart's clinic is scheduled to be closed for the week, in an effort to save the women undergoing abortion procedures from being humiliated, harassed, and possibly hurt. As soon as I read this, I understood that it was for the privacy (As if there really is any when you're a patient of this clinic, as Operation Rescue has an office directly across the street now. You better believe they're working those side walks on a daily basis.) and safety of the patients...but I automatically thought "What about the women who are at the limit?". I can't help but wonder about those women who are at the legal limit to receive an abortion as a result of a fetal abnormality. As if it wouldn't be bad enough to be in the situation to have to make that decision...what if you were doomed to bring a suffering child into the world, just because these people are so intent on judging others?

Don't get me wrong. I fully believe that everyone has the right to PEACEFULLY protest their beliefs. But I don't believe this is peaceful. I don't think this comes from a good place. I think these people are more interested in judging, more interested in being "better". I can understand one's reasoning for being pro life. If you're a regular reader, you know that I used to be one of them. Now, I consider myself lucky to understand both sides.

Please keep all involved in your thoughts and prayers this week. Please pray for the Operation Rescue people...that they carry on their protest with goodness in their hearts. Please pray for the women who are carrying babies doomed to suffering. Please pray for the women who are terminating their pregnancies, for whatever reason. Whether it be fetal abnormality, bad timing, or they just don't want a baby...pray for them. Pray for them because you want them to change their minds. Pray for them because you know they must be in a rough spot. Just pray for them. Pray for the unborn babies who are (whether you're on the pro life side of the pro choice side) in fact, losing their lives to abortion...for whatever reason. And finally, pray for all the workers who are in the reproductive field (again, whether you're praying they stop, or praying for their well being).

Really, Troy Newman?

In a recent article published by The Washington Post, Operation Rescue top dog Troy Newman was quoted as saying (in regard to late term abortion procedures), "There is no moral distinction. Ninety-eight percent are simply elective procedures for mothers who want to have dead children". Really, Troy? Because so many women wake up and say "Hey, I think I'll get knocked up today, so I can abort and have a dead baby to my name". Jackass. Without even knowing who said this, it's obvious that it was said by someone who has never had the misfortune of having a child diagnosed with a fatal abnormality. I hope he is able to remain in his ignorance induced state of bliss.

Why is it that our society has become so judgmental? So quick to dismiss a family's misfortune? So quick to point their finger? I think it all boils down to the simple fact that as humans, we are made to fear what we do not know. It's the simple fear of the unknown. Of course abortion is a tragedy of epic proportions. It goes without saying. There is not a single abortion case that is not devastating, in one way or another. Whether it's a case of a single girl who's birth control failed and she's not in the position to carry a pregnancy or have a child, or the the married woman who's planned pregnancy turned out to be doomed with a suffering child who would only take a handful of breaths outside of it's mother's womb. Abortion is a sad thing. No one here is saying otherwise. But why aren't we, as a society, acknowledging that? We're so quick to point the finger, without knowing what lies behind the decision. So many of us forget (and so many Christians, at that), that we are not the ones to judge. It is not our job. It is not a choice we were given. It is not a burden that was laid upon us. We are not to judge. Do I respect ones right to stand outside of an abortion clinic and CALMLY and nicely try to talk to the women going in? Sure. Do I respect ones right to oppose abortion? Of course. I use to. But it's just not our job to be judgmental. It's not our job to hate. And honestly, it's not our business. If  a woman chooses to abort, you can bet there is a reason behind it. And it's importance is not our business to sort it out.

Pro-choice mother?

A lot of the arguments that I get from pro-lifers involve them mentioning, at some point, that I am a mother. And since I have carried a child, how could I possibly still think that it's acceptable for a woman to abort a baby. This  is the argument that I have the most trouble with, especially considering how I feel about being pregnant. I always feel that special connection. So...there's a question to ponder. How can a woman, who has felt such strong connections with her own pregnancies, support a woman's right to choose?

First of all, I can honestly say, that unless there was a severe case of fetal anomaly, I wouldn't be able to even consider terminate a pregnancy. The only reason I would be able to do it then is because the idea of my baby suffering would tear me up...and I would worry how losing a sibling to watching a sibling struggle so much would effect my older two kids. Of course it would not be an easy decision (I don't think any woman in any situation ever has an easy time making the decision to terminate a pregnancy).

With that being said, I can understand why a girl who is raped would not only not bond with a pregnancy, but want to terminate it. And in that case, you can't really say "Well, she was irresponsible and got pregnant...now she has to deal with it". And let's be realistic...there are times when birth control fails and a pregnancy (and a baby) just aren't possible. So, for those who like to complain about dead beats running our welfare system dry, how can you when you expect women who are plain broke to carry pregnancies to term? Unfortunately, not every situation pans out perfectly.

I'm not saying that abortion isn't sad...in every single case. It is sad. It's the loss of a life. Every one knows that, no matter what side of the fence they're on. But life is sad. It's complicated, it's messy. It's not perfect 100% of the time for anyone. It doesn't work out every single time. Unfortunate, but realistic.

Back to reality.

Home from vacation. I feel like I need a vacation to recover from the vacation. But I guess that's how it works with kiddo's. Meanwhile, it's definitely back to business as usual.

I'm really starting to wrap my head around the idea that some people will never outgrow the jr. high phase of  their lives, and I don't know whether to feel bad for them or laugh. I mean, you know you've got an issue when you're married, expecting your second child, and still so hung up on your ex, that you feel the need to name your daughter after his daughter...and then pass the message down through the grapevine to his wife. I mean, really? Really, people? Aside from the obvious lack of creativity...are we really that immature? Who is willing to name their child based on getting back at someone?

On another note, it feels like people like this are always going to play a part in our lives and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. That hopeless feeling does nothing but piss me off and make me feel like a monumental idiot for ever dealing with it in the first place...especially considering the lack of support I have FOR dealing with it. And maybe I am. Shit. It's just one thing after another. At what point is it not worth dealing with anymore? At what point do you say "Okay, my brain is running out of room for the good memories because instead, it's stuck with all the bad ones...and that's no good"? At what point do you start discussing a lobotomy with your family physician....? Well, that's something new to ponder...

Hello, third trimester!

When I think of how far along I am now, it feels like it's flown by. When I think of how much longer I've got, it feels like forever. Last week, we were able to go have a 3D/4D ultrasound done (the first time we've been able to do it with any of our babies). It was amazing. It's one thing to see your baby moving in black and white on a normal ultrasound and feeling him at the same time. It's completely different to see him in there, playing with his feet, sucking his fingers, yawning, and stretching and feeling him at the same time. It's completely surreal to know exactly what he's doing in there when you can feel it at the same time. He is beautiful. He's got my fingers, and maybe my lips (I'm not sure if they're my lips or they're just not filled out yet). It was a little bittersweet. Don't get me wrong...it was amazing. But while watching him, it hit me that this is the last time we'll do these things. Our last ultrasound will be our last. This is the last time I'll fill out a registry. This will be the last time I have the honor of bringing another little life into the world. Our family is complete. It may just be the hormones...but it's a tough pill to swallow (as I write this, I'm thinking back to an hour ago when ZoeJane dumped a frosty on her head. On.Her.Head. Maybe it's not THAT tough of a pill to swallow...). 

Of course, there is a downside. The downside is the same as it has been with the last two births. The downside is that there is not allowed to be a baby born into this family without drama present. It's particularly ironic this time. No one in my family has been particularly excited to hear that Phoenix is on his way. It's just Cara and Dayton having another one. And yet...now that the time is rolling around for his arrival, the drama is brewing, just as it has with ZoeJane and Michael and my sister's two kids. There is no way around it...it has to be dealt with head on. But knowing that doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't make it any less shitty to know that so much fighting has to be done just to get that one special, peaceful moment. Even the plans I've made seem to be falling apart. Regardless, one thing is for sure: there is no way in hell that I am handing over this last special moment of the sort to pure drama. It's not happening. Phoenix is coming into the world surrounded by people who are excited to meet him, people who aren't there just to make it all about them. 

Rant over. 

Not guilty?

We're all thinking it. Even people who have thought she was innocent all along were surprised. I swear, you could have heard a pin drop across the whole country as the verdict was read. I was tuned into CNN, as I've been following this case since Caylee was "missing" and had gotten very invested in the case, emotionally. Now, chalk it up to pregnancy hormones...but it shocked me enough to make me cry. However, once the shock wears off and you really give it some thought...it boils down to a lack of evidence...the fact that they couldn't give a definitive cause of death. It sucks, but it's the truth.

I don't for one second think that Casey Anthony was molested by her dad and brother. I don't think that she suffers from a mental illness. I think it boils down to a lack of moral compass, selfishness, and a total lack of interest in anyone but herself (as well as maternal instinct). It's sad, but true. I don't think that this is all some big cover up. I don't think that Caylee died by accident.

The bottom line is that it's over. The sad part is that it's over, and still no one is being held accountable. The only thing that can be done now is to keep Caylee's memory alive, which I'm sure her grandparents will do.