No adequate title...

There are no words to describe the pain flowing through my veins right now, but I am going to make a desperate attempt.

On Wednesday night, my dad started vomiting and having severe stomach pains. By Thursday morning, he went to the ER. There they found two large kidney stones that they were going to have to remove surgically. While they were waiting to start that, they got blood results back indicating an issue with his pancreas. They did a CT scan and found critical pancreatitis and a gallbladder FULL of stones...hundreds of them. There was also a large stone blocking the duct from the gallbladder to the pancreas. He was admitted.

They removed the blockage to his pancreas. Overnight from Thursday to Friday, he started having trouble breathing and his enzymes started getting worse. They moved him to ICU.

I picked ZoeJane up from school early, grabbed a few things from home, picked Dayton up from work early and we went. I saw him, with tubes down his nose and in his arms....it was the scariest thing I've ever seen. My strong, healthy dad...lying helpless. He was conscious then, so I was able to talk to him...tell him that I loved him...crack a few jokes. Then I left the room and lost it. He looked so old, so frail, so...not my daddy. I was able to go back in a few minutes later, this time with Dayton. Daddy loves Dayton. And he perked right up. It was so funny. Here is this big tough man, lying in a hospital bed, having trouble breathing....and he perks right up to see his son in law. Once again, when we left, I lost it. But I was able to hold his hand while I was there. I've loved his hands since I was a little girl.

Saturday morning, I got the call that if they didn't put him on a vent, he was going to die. His heart was giving out from all the hard work he was putting into breathing. This breaks my heart, because he is so scared of hospitals. Thankfully, they sedated him before doing anything. He's been sedated ever since.

I spent about 6 hours up there yesterday. I was able to see him three times. I did a lot of crying. A lot of talking. A lot of holding his hands. His vitals have stayed stable, which is good...but now his kidneys are failing. Since last night, they dropped down to about 17% functionality. The latest is basically the doctor telling us to prepare ourselves. He said they're doing everything they can, but it's not looking good and that it would be a "remarkable breakthrough" if he survives. Exactly what my gut has been telling me.

As a daughter, this is unbearable. As a daddy's girl, this is the worst thing that could ever happen. My heart is broken. My world has stopped spinning. To make matters worse, my mother has pulled out all the stops in her jealousy and need for control. She told me today that I can get information from her from now on, instead of from dad's nurses...but if I was going to continue to pass that information along to my siblings (her step kids), she would no longer give her information. I replied with "If you're willing to go that low, we will not be speaking anymore". She was fine with that and hung up on me (for the second time in about 5 minutes). I did manage to let her know (before she hung up) that his kids are part of this family too, and that they had just as much of a right to information as the rest of us. I told her that daddy would never want this (he wouldn't)...that he would want his kids involved. She said I didn't know what he wanted. I told her that daddy would be so disappointed in her. And he would. Actually, "disappointed" is an understatement. He would be livid, and rightfully so.

Seeing my daddy lying in that hospital bed....it was like looking at superman facing his kryptonite. It was unbearable. But I never let him hear me cry (if he can hear me). I made it full of stupid jokes that he'd appreciate and a few things that I needed to say. The waiting is unbearable. I'm scared that he's suffering. I'm scared that if he wakes up, he'll be terrified. I'm scared that this is the end of the road. I'm scared that I won't recover if it is. I'm scared of the inevitable shit storm that will happen within this family. Daddy has always been the peacekeeper, the buffer, and the glue. This family won't recover if we lose him.

They say if by some miracle he survives, this will effect him for the rest of his life. He'll never be the same. He will have to shape his life around what happened and the damage done to his body. He will not be happy about that.

How do you handle losing a parent? Especially when that parent is your only stable parent? How does a girl handle losing her daddy? How do you handle the waiting? How do you handle knowing he's suffering? Where's the instruction guide for learning to lose a parent?