It couldn't have come at a better time. The last couple of days have been really hard. It seems like the permanence of you being gone is finally starting to set in and my heart hurts in a way that I never knew it could.
I keep replaying all those moments, and the one-ended conversations in the hospital, the weeks before you got sick....none of it makes sense. Did you ever hear what I was saying after you were sedated? Did you know you were sick before the day you went to the emergency room? Did you know that you were never going to wake up when they sedated you? Were you scared? If you knew you were sick, why didn't you tell someone? Didn't you know that what losing you would do to all of us?
Honestly, I don't know how I feel. Some days, I can't stop my crying spells. Other days, I feel numb and heartless. When I used to think about what it would be like to lose you, I used to flip out. I even remember having to call you to calm me down about it one day. But now, I've actually lost you, and I'm calm. I'm not a mess. I'm holding it together. It all still feels a little surreal. And that scares me....because how much more can my heart hurt? (I realize nothing about this paragraph makes sense)
How am I supposed to make sense of this? I'm here...you're not. Nothing about that makes sense or feels natural or right to me. I don't know how I'm ever supposed to wrap my mind around all of this.
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