The Souvenir

If you really know me, you know how dysfunctional my family is. You know that my siblings and I aren't close. You know the relationship I have with my parents. At this point (whether it be pregnancy hormones, lack of anxiety meds, or whatever), its so hard to be around other people's families. It feels like a constant reminder of what is lacking in my family life (meaning my "original" family, not Dayton and the kids). It's sad, and it gives me the weirdest feeling. Almost like I'm betraying some part of my former self, though I know there would have to be a good relationship or foundation in that part of my life to be able to betray it, and also that if it was how it should be, I would never be made to feel like I'm betraying anyone or anything by simply dividing my time (as most normal people do in life).

I don't know if I'll ever be able to un-wire the guilt that's been hardwired into me my whole life. I remember being 7 years old and being sick over getting in trouble. Isn't a 7 year old supposed to be able to get in trouble and then go on their merry little way? It's almost as if guilt was taught as the appropriate response to anything done wrong....or not done wrong for that matter.

Whatever this issue is, I'm not a fan.