It will never fail to devastate me that my family is so dysfunctional. There are almost no close ties anywhere. My sister and one of my brothers is close. I can't tell you how much time I've spent being jealous of their relationship and wishing that I had it too. And on the other side, those siblings are close. I can't tell you how much time I've spent wishing they would accept me as one of their own. I don't remember a time when I wasn't hurt by the situation with my siblings. I don't remember a time when it didn't confuse me. It got worse about 5 years ago when some secrets come out. Can I just say that there is no use in keeping a secret...you waste all this time and energy trying to cover your tracks, but it ALWAYS comes out. ALWAYS. You can't lie about who you are. Eventually, people will see through the bullshit. Ever since those "secrets" came out, I've lost a LOT of respect for certain people. And it hurt...I felt like I had been lied to about a major player in my life FOR my entire life. It was sad to me...like that whole aspect of my life had been a lie. It was a lie. And why the hell did it take 18 years for someone to fill me in? Didn't I deserve to know the truth? I still don't know the full truth, and I don't know (in fact, I doubt) that I ever will. I suppose some questions are meant to go unanswered. But that doesn't mean I'll ever stop asking them.
On another note, I strive to make my family different. I want my children to know who they are and where they came from. I don't want them to live their lives with a head full of questions. If they have questions, they'll get honest answers. They will be tolerant of each other, despite any differences they may have. They will love each other. They will be woven into each others' lives. It's so important for them to be close. It's so important for them to have each other, and be able to lean on each other once Dayton and I are gone. And in the meantime, they need to know who their mother and father are, as people...where we've been, how we've changed and evolved.
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