This one isn't finished yet...

If I would have known what was to come,

I would have walked away.

And it never would have mattered,

because you’d hate me anyway

Without a word between us,

I would have passed you by.

And now I’d still be standing tall,

with not one reason to cry.

I thought that you were different,

not the typical bull shit guy.

But now I know the truth,

You were only selling for me to buy.

And without a second thought,

I gave it all to you.

I never knew what was to come,

what hell you’d put me through.

From the very start there were other girls.

A sick new part of life.

Nothing could stop you. Nothing was worth it.

Not even a heartbroken wife.

I knew I wasn’t good enough.

It didn’t take long to see,

that I wasn’t the girl you wanted.

But I saw the girl I had to be.

I needed to be skinnier.

Dark hard, and tattoos, too.

It wasn’t enough that you had promised,

Or that I was the one who loved you.

Soon things went all pear shaped,

a new page I wasn’t sure you wanted.

But soon the girls went away,

and I didn’t feel so taunted.

But shortly our new bundle came,

and things began to change.

Everything went back to normal,

and started to feel the same.

Soon a brand new girl came in.

A new reason for me to worry.

Our marriage quickly started to break,

everything was so un-sturdy.

I begged and pleaded for you to stop.

You told me you never would.

I wasn’t worth your friends,

and if I wanted to go, I should.

Untitled, of course

I already knew what had happened.

Your silence screamed at me.

I wish I knew what was to come,

And what one night could mean.

I wish the words were never spoken.

I never should have asked.

I should have let the feeling come,

and then have let it pass.

But I had to hear you tell me.

Only your words could make it real.

I never imagined the damage done,

or how cheap I’d come to feel.

The words were spoken silently.

And how quickly my world crumbled.

I had to endure the broken heart,

because you had to stumble.

I told you I didn’t need you.

I hid my screaming and my tears.

I was dying on the inside,

but I had to face my fears.

I had never felt so dirty,

so exposed or so abused.

You took what I had given you,

and suddenly I felt used.

Nothing could have made this better,

or taken the pain away.

You killed a little piece of me,

the night you chose to play.

Here I am, still damaged goods.

The heartache never ceases.

Tears still fall by the day,

And my heart is still in pieces.

Untitled

I had a detailed picture,

of who I thought she’d be.

She was nothing that you wanted,

nor posed any threat to me.

A whore, a slut, an easy bitch,

another cheap girl at a bar.

Crazy, clingy, and full of it,

not one to make it very far.

And then I started searching,

just so I could see,

the girl you had to have,

the one you chose instead of me.

If I would have known what I’d find,

I never would have tried.

I was searching for the truth,

in case you may have lied.

Instead I found the answers,

to the questions you left blank.

I found the life of a pretty girl,

and with it, my heart sank.

Now I’ve got a different picture,

floating through my mind.

There’s nothing left for me to wonder,

no assumptions to hide behind.

I wasn’t ready to take this in.

I wasn’t ready to deal.

Now I have a lifetime of details,

and a lifetime to never heal.

Poems to clear my head...

I recently started writing again, for no other reason than to clear this shit from my head. The next few posts are just that. It's rusty. I haven't written in years. But, with it has come a sense of calm, so I'll keep writing. Hopefully it will improve. Comment if you must, don't be mean.

Vacation?

I wish I could get lost for a week. Have a week to get drunk, cry, scream, and deal with my shit. I'm so sick of having it on my mind, I can hardly stand it. I can't imagine how tired Dayton is of hearing it. I have no idea what to do about it anymore. How long can you have the same thing on your mind, constantly analyzing it? Constantly upset about it? Constantly replaying it in your mind? That wears on a person's nerves.

Meanwhile, I keep having nightmares. Really horrible, graphic, detailed nightmares about losing babies and stuff. I've woken up crying a few times. Dayton and I want to have one more baby in a couple of years, but these dreams have me terrified to even think about getting pregnant.

I really do need a vacation.