Within days of his leaving,

my world falls apart.

It stumbles, and tumbles, so subtley to the ground.

Then it's found...

by the teasers and the pleasers and the rest of the plastic people.

They see how small they can make the pieces.

I won't open my eyes until I can touch him again.

His arms are the place where I fit in,

the most.

He doesn't boast while owning my heart.

I don't fit in with anyone.

I'm numb.

To the world,

that breaks my heart because it can.

I'm only exsisting

(just barely).

My silence aches to be broken.

I'm broken.

But he'll put me back together soon...

So I came across some of my old poetry. I'm going to post them in separate posts. You're not allowed to be mean. Constructive criticism welcome. Enjoy =)....or not.

1,002 wishes

I wish we could have gotten here without taking the route that we did. I wish I had more control over the situation. I wish you would have just said no. I wish she would have found someone else. I wish she wasn't nice. I wish her voice wasn't friendly. I wish I would have said no. I wish I could let it go. I wish I didn't need details. I wish I didn't dream about it. I wish I wasn't scared. I wish I could let it go. I wish it didn't hurt. I wish the anger would go away. I wish the obsession would stop. I wish the mental pictures weren't there. I wish you hadn't done it. I wish you weren't so scared. I wish I never went to your place. I wish I would have had more self respect.

I wish I never asked.

Update #1 on the resolutions...

Well, so far I've lost 2 lbs, been drinking lots more water and eliminated one of the main sources of drama in my life. I'd say I'm doing pretty good.

Last night Dayton wrote me a 3 pg ambien induced letter about all the questions I have. Drinking makes most people honest---ambien makes Dayton honest. It made me cry. A little of it made me feel bad for him. Some of it hurt because it was the answers I wanted...but they still stung a little. He is never as sexy to me as when he's vulnerable...and I'm hoping for him to show a little more vulnerability tonight. Everything has been so great for us for the last few weeks. It seems like we've gotten a lot closer for some reason. I think the past 18 months has shown us that we really can depend on each other, and other people matter so little when you look at the big picture.

I <3 my little family.

Another New Year's Resolution:

LET GO!!!

New Year's Resolutions

Everybody has them. Don't pretend like you don't. Even if you don't do them on a yearly basis, you still make resolutions throughout the year, am I wrong? Okay, so here goes

1. Keep grades up to A's and B's

2. Spend less time on facebook

3. Lose 30 lbs.

4. Write more

5. Maintain blog

6. Cut out negative people

7. Stand up for myself

8. Not cry on ZoeJane's first day of pre-k

9. Stop trying so hard to please other people

10. Learn new recipes

11. Start doing pilates

12. Eat healthier

13. Add more to my list of resolutions

Obviously...

It drives me crazy when people choose to ignore the obvious. DRIVES ME CRAZY. Especially when doing so shows a complete lack of self respect. That is all.