I can't believe the year is almost over. It seems like it has just begun. A year ago, I thought I'd be in such a different place by now. That the fact that my husband fucked another woman wouldn't bother me anymore...that I wouldn't be stalking her fb profile and asking myself "What the hell?!". But hey, I am. And at the same time, I'm not really mad at him about it anymore. I'm more mad at myself for not letting it go. The mind is a bitch.

11 days and counting...

Not that I'm counting or anything. Dayton has been working for the Toys for Tots marines this year. The last two weeks have gotten really bad. It's rare that he's home before 7:30pm, never so much as get a call or text, and TONIGHT, he gets to go "work" at an ICP concert. What am I doing? Staying home with the kids. Just like I have every single day for the last two weeks, lol. Oh, let me also add that he's working 7 days a week now. There's NEVER any time for us to do annnnnything as a family...unless we go to an event together. Which basically consists of me chasing the kids around while he stands there by a big box.

Meanwhile, it seems some long hidden family secrets have started to unravel. It's driving me crazy. Every single person in the family knows whatever it was that happened, except me. And it wouldn't really matter to me considering that whatever happened, happened while I was a baby and even before I was born....but I missed out on 2 brothers and 2 sisters in the process. And with one of those sisters now being dead, how do I ever get the chance to have that relationship? I don't.

And ahhhh, the joys of finals....NOT. At this very moment, I have 1 1/2 pages to go on one..and only about oh, I don't know, 900 WORDS on the other!! *Sigh* However, it looks like I'm passing both classes, so it's not all bad.

My baby girl is officially 4 years old. I can't tell you how much it stings every time the thought crosses my mind. Four is like the officially age of "childhood". Three is the last year of "toddler-hood"...so my baby girl is no longer a baby. She's officially a little girl. Ugh. *Tears*...And of course, my little man is now 1. He'll be 13 months tomorrow. I can't believe how fast it's flown.

Well, there are my latest updates. I'll try to start updating more regularly.

Why is it that sickness always finds me at the most inopportune times?

Oh my goodness. I think I have food poisoning. The silver lining is that although Dayton had to work today, he took ZoeJane with him. So I've got it a little easier with only one kiddo at home today. Meanwhile, as SOON as he walks through the door, I'll be putting my happy ass back to bed. I've got to be back with the program by the end of the weekend. Homework to catch up on, Thanksgiving to get ready for, and ZoeJane's birthday party to plan. And of course, this is when I get sick. Usually I get the sickest only when I'm pregnant. Hm, that's something to think about...should I be worried? Ha!

99 Balloons--Dear Eliot, Rip sweet boy

The chaos has begun...

One birthday down, another one to go. I'll be completely exhausted by January.

I've had so much on my mind lately, I can barely focus on anything. Mine and Dayton's anniversary was so great. He brought me a black wooden jewelry box and lavender daisies (A woodwork jewelry box and daisies are the traditional 5th anniversary gift). And the card was so sweet. He scored major points.

Things have been so good, but I'm so distracted. It seems like the only thing I can think about is what happened last year. I figured the sting would have worn off by now...or at least dulled a little. I think the reason I can't let go is because I have no answers...and I don't think I'll ever get them. I know how sorry he is. I know what he'd give to take it back. I know he'd make it better if he could. But he can't take it back, and he can't make it better. Sometimes I wonder if he really does have the answers I want, but won't share them because he doesn't want to hurt me anymore than he already has. Either way, it sucks ass.

I'm kind of at a loss of how to move forward from it. I'm mentally exhausted with it. I'm tired of it constantly being there. It's like having a huge elephant in the room with us all the time. It's like constantly having her in the room. It sucks. I hate it. I'm tired of it. I've got to learn to let go of a grudge...

And it suddenly hits me just how lucky I am...

So, mine and Dayton's 5 year anniversary is quickly approaching, things are better than they've ever been, and I can't help but think what a lucky girl I really am.

For those of you who don't know, Dayton is 25. Most guys his age would just now start thinking about settling down and maybe getting married. He, on the other hand, has been married for almost 5 years, has two beautiful children, and likes to spend his weekends...with me. There is hardly ever a time when he hasn't chosen grocery shopping with me over something else. He's missed ONE birthday party for the kids (a party ZoeJane went to, not her own), and that was because he had to work. When I was pregnant, he RARELY missed an appointment, even in the last trimester when appointments are weekly, and usually quick.

Usually, I'm quick to think of all the things I'd change....his gaming, him not doing much cleaning, the way it's so hard for him to focus on a deep conversation...but today it hit me how trivial these things are. My husband is a man who will work all day (usually in pain, thanks to his hip), come home, run a hot bath, and then banish me to the bathroom to relax while he watches the kids. He's the kind of man that will take the kids, fix dinner, and get them to bed when I have homework to catch up on. He's also the kind of man that will brave a Britney Spears concert, or the angry women at an Alanis Morisette concert for no other reason than to make me happy.

But the best part about him is that he understands me. He understands my intentions when no one else does. He understands why I am the way I am, and why I do the things I do. He understands what I want in life, and he puts forth as much effort as I do to make it happen.

After all we've been through, it seems like we're finally achieving what we've always wanted--happiness, with no if, ands, or buts.

Please...break....somebody...?

So, the end of the year madness has officially begun. The Christmas shopping has started. The birthday shopping has started. The party planning has started. Oh, and the Halloween costumes have been chosen (well, one has). ZoeJane has decided that she's going to be a mermaid. And Michael..well, I'm the one who's being a little indecisive there.

Meanwhile, in the middle of all this madness, my new term starts on Wednesday. I can't believe my break is already over. But here it is--Forensic Psych and Child and Adolescent Psych. Yay. This should be interesting.