Updates and Shit.

SHIT, it's been a minute, guys! My bad. I've been busy...what can I say? There's a lot going on. I'm now working two jobs, PLUS three kiddo's, PLUS a blog that seems to be getting a decent following. Plus..hey...I'm busy falling in love with a new city and FINALLY falling in love with life. Who'd a thunk it?! I'm EXHAUSTED....but you know what? I love it.

People that I always thought I knew? Yeah....I don't. It's kind of pathetic, but that's a different story. Kind of sad, really. I'm learning who I can depend on and who I can't, which is kind of a sad reality sort of situation. On top of the people that I already knew I could trust and depend on in Iowa/Nebraska, I've met the most amazing people here. Seriously. Honestly....I've met me here. After being on my own for a while, I feel like I never really knew myself to begin with. And maybe I didn't. I got married at 18. Started having babies at 19. That's big. Things have changed so much. I didn't know this kind of independence and happiness existed! And now...here I am, doing something people told me I'd never be able to do. I'm good with that, no matter how exhausting.

The only downside to things right now is that I'm coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my dad's death. That's a really tough pill to swallow...still. And no one really gets it. Unless you've lost your parent (your "I'm a daddy's girl/I'm a mommy's girl parent), you won't get it. The closer it gets to the one year mark, the more my heart breaks. And thank GOD, I've got understanding people around me.

More later dudes and dudettes!

A Fresh Breath of Air

Am I allowed to breathe again yet?

The last month has been speeding past at lightning speed. It's ridiculous. I never knew that so much could change in one short little month, but here I am, and it feels like this last month has been a year.

I've done a LOT of growing. A lot of stepping out of my comfort zone. And a lot of changing. Actually, I'm not sure I'd consider it changing as much as I would, "uncovering". A lot of stuff has been compressed for so long...it feels good to finally spread my wings. Even if it meant taking the scariest step of my life in order to do it.

Finally the chaos is starting to settle into a routine and now that I'm able to really catch my breath and look around, I can't help but feel like one of the luckiest girls in the world. I've made the most amazing friends with this move. And it feels go to finally let go of so many of the burns and bad memories that I've carried around for so long.

There's something to be said for love, and friendship, and healing, and peace of mind.

Sooo, here's the thing...

When my dad died, I quit school. After way too long spent on online classes, I just felt like I wasn't getting anywhere, too much was going on, I had too much to process and wrap my mind around, and frankly, I just wasn't happy with what I was doing (side note: I love italics). So, I decided to just take a breather, step back, and really spend some time thinking about what I wanted to do.

I think I've figured it out. I'm planning to make an appointment to go meet with an enrollment adviser at a nearby school next week. However...I'm not quite ready to divulge the details, so you guys will have to wait for that one. I'm really excited about it, but I'm also really nervous about it. I suck at studying, and this particular route will require a LOT of it.

On top of this new educational development, I'll also be signing up to sell body wraps this week! Exciting! And finally, I've sort of "come out" to my family about my other blog...only to have my extremely conservative sister join the blog, as well as the blog's facebook page and show her total support. I can honestly say that I didn't expect my super-conservative Republican sister to support my pro-choice blog, but there it is.

Meanwhile, baby girl is on Spring Break this week, so we're having a lazy time at home with little crafts here and there. Tomorrow will be The hubster's day off, so we'll have an outing tomorrow. Nothing like fro-yo and the park to get everyone excited (thank GOD my kids love healthy snacks).

And just for shits and giggles, I managed to take a screen shot of a picture from my dad's memorial slideshow (because a particular someone doesn't want to share the actual picture) and the result was my favorite, yet fuzzy, picture of me and my dad (that I do NOT remember taking and had never seen until the day of his service)....

Dad and Me (I was about 16 here)

Shenanigans of a Sick Boy

As a mom, I see new things all the time. But I'll tell you, Monday morning when I woke up and my 3 year old son woke up with red spots/patches all over his face and back...I panicked. He had been vomiting since about 4am (it was then 7:20am), which was kind of expected since I had been at the ER with our baby boy until 3am.

Cue emergency appointment with the pediatrician.

Of course, he had the same virus as his baby brother...as well as strep throat and an auto immune rash that was his body's way of reacting to the illness. His pediatrician told me to expect it to get worse before it gets better, but I didn't expect THIS (excuse the shady pictures):

Those would be pictures of his leg and knee, the back of his neck, his back (OMG), and his face. It is pitiful. LUCKILY, it doesn't seem to be bothering him too much. Every few hours he gets a little itchy (though I'm not having any issues with him scratching), but he's been prescribed a strong antihistamine. I hope it doesn't get any worse than this...I don't think this mama's heart can take it. It looks terrifying, and I have never even heard of an auto immune rash. Apparently they're pretty common (of course, I came straight home and consulted Dr. Google). 

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for the little man (and his mama who might got into shock if it gets any worse). 

Around 11:30pm last night, I was sitting at my computer, wading my way through a crap ton of meaningless emails when I got a new one. It was from my brother in Texas. It was the link to the slideshow that they played at my dad's service, right after my eulogy. I've been waiting on a copy of it since I saw it in December. I've already been dreading getting a copy of it, because I knew I'd have to watch it. And I knew that that would simply rub salt in the still-fresh wound. I was right. I cried the ugly cry, ya'll. It wasn't pretty...at all. However, I've watched it 2 more times since initially recieving the email last night, and I have to tell you...while it still breaks my heart (especially the photos of just his sweet face), it also serves as an amazing reminder of a lifetime of memories. So, without further adieu, here's my amazing daddy, a lifetime of his memories, compressed into a beautiful few minutes:

Good Vibes, Good Thoughts, Good Things.

Today the hubbs starts a brand new job as an assistant manager. He was really stoked. I think he's even more excited because he'll be carpooling most days with two of his friends. I think the boy-time will do him some good.

I'm especially thankful for this awesome development because for almost a year now, we've just had some plain bad luck. First things got all screwed up when he was medically discharged from the Marine Corp, then Little M had his cancer scare, then daddy died. It's just been one shit storm right after another. So, this is a very welcome development.

I think that the pay raise will lower his stress level, and working with guys he likes will make the job even more enjoyable. There's one downside. It's an hour away. So, when he gets off at 7pm and heads home...chances are, with Atlanta traffic, he won't be getting home until around 8:30pm. It will be a little more stressful on me...and I hate the idea of us spending even less time together, but I'm trying to embrace the idea that I'll have about an hour of "me time" every night. I won't even know what to do with myself...but I'll have fun trying to figure it out.

I'm hoping that this new job is the start of even more positive things coming our way. That would be something. I've got something else in the works that may start to take off later this week. I'll have to post an update on that when I'm past the point of jinxing it.

Well, that was awkward.

Yesterday I went down to my parent's mom's house. It's the first time since dad's service that I've been back down there. About a month after dad died, she moved into a different house. He hated moving, as they did it often. And it did not feel right to be there without hearing him bitch about the clutter and moving again. In fact, it was really hard. The only sign of dad that was immediately visible (which isn't saying a lot because there is crap strewn EVERYWHERE. Mom says she's been too depressed to clean, organize, or unpack) was the huge picture of his face that was on the table with his ashes at his memorial service. Everything else of his is hidden away, or still in boxes. His ashes are in a box in the guest room. Makes no sense to me, but whatever.

Within 5 minutes of being there, I could feel my blood pressure rising. I started getting irritable. I'm assuming because walking into this house, being around all their stuff, and not seeing dad watching tv or hearing him fuss was in all honesty, heart breaking for me. As sad as I feel I've been over losing him, I'm still not sure that my heart is fully grasping it. And it irritates the hell out of me that you walk into my house and there are signs of my dad everywhere. Pictures on the bookshelf and mantle, the hubbs carrying around his old pocket knives, his ashes on my key chain and in a necklace in my jewelry box, his old flannel jacket draped around the seat of my stationary bike that's right beside my bed. I feel like he's everywhere in this house. In what would be his house, I had to search for him.

The hubbs and I were talking on the way home, and I suppose that I'm going to be critical about everything about daddy now. Because nothing will ever be good enough. Not the box for his ashes, not where they're displayed (or not), not what mom chooses to do with his stuff, not the house that mom is now living in on her own...nothing. Because nothing is right without dad. The morning of his service, I frantically went through about 4 different outfits because nothing felt "right", until it dawned on me that NOTHING I picked out would feel "right"...because the idea of going to my dad's memorial service wasn't "right". Being without him wasn't "right", and neither was saying goodbye to him.

Regardless, I better get my shit together and learn to accept it. Otherwise this is going to turn into a serious issue. >.<